Fetishes vs. Kinks: What’s the Difference and Why Do We Have Them?
The terms “fetish” vs. “kink” are often used interchangeably in society, but they’re actually different things. While a sexual kink is broadly defined as any erotic desire that is outside “the norm”, a sexual fetish is an erotic desire that is fixated on a particular object, body part, piece of clothing, or behavior. One is not better or more acceptable than the other. They are just different ways that we can enhance our experience of sexual arousal.
In my NYC-based sex and relationship coaching practice, I work with many people with all different types of kinks and/or fetishes. Much of this work has to do with de-shamifying these desires, celebrating them, and helping clients accept these parts of their sexual preferences. Many clients are worried that their kink or fetish makes them weird or unlovable. They’re convinced that their partner would judge them, or maybe even leave them, if they knew about their secret kinky desires. And they judge themselves for even having these out-of-the-box erotic desires in the first place.
In Brené Brown’s TED Talk about shame, she says that shame can only exist in darkness. It needs three things to survive: secrecy, silence, and judgment. She also notes that empathy is the antidote to shame. So when someone comes to me for intimacy coaching filled with shame about their fetish, kink, or any other sexual preference, I empathize with their feelings and celebrate their desires. This is a profound experience that helps people come to terms with their desires and move forward with more courage and acceptance.
In this article, we’ll explore what distinguishes kinks from fetishes, how and when they’re formed, and what roles they play in erotic desire.
Why Fetishes and Kinks Are Often Misunderstood
For most of us, sexual shame is baked into our childhoods from a very young age. Organized religion, culture, our parents, authority figures, and the media all seem to be working together to protect us from the dangers of sex. Some of us get a paltry, fear-based “sex talk” at school or from our parents, while many of us get zero sex education at all. And if we do get some kind of sex education, it never mentions anything other than regular vanilla sex with a spouse. In the media, most of what we see aligns with that as well. And if we do see kink and fetish portrayed in the media, it’s rarely in a positive, normalizing light.
The lack of sex-positive education in our society perpetuates sexual shame because, again, shame thrives in darkness. If we don’t talk about sex, kink, and fetishes, we insinuate that people who think about these things should be ashamed. This complete lack of acknowledgement of kink and fetishes in sex education seeks to erase the existence of these desires. Bringing fetishes and kinks out of the shadows, talking about them, understanding them, and normalizing them are important steps towards enthusiastic consent, sexual communication, and self-acceptance.
What Is a Kink?
Definition of Kink
A sexual kink is defined as any erotic desire that falls outside “the norm” that enhances an individual’s experience of arousal, pleasure, and sexual satisfaction. This is the mainstream definition of kink, but I don’t really love it because shame is kind of baked into it. By defining kink as outside the norm, we’re insinuating that having kinks isn’t normal and thus should be shameful. Also, what even is “normal” anyway? It’s so subjective. That being said, this is the widely-used definition, and I would be remiss not to mention it.
Examples of Kinks
With the definition of sexual kink being so incredibly broad, there are countless things that fall under this umbrella. Many people think of dominance and submission, or BDSM, when they think of kink. Under the umbrella of BDSM, you have psychological power play, bondage play, impact (pain) play, sensation play, electro play, Shibari (rope) play, sharps (needles, knives, blood) play, wax play, breath (choking) play, and many more. Additional kinks include dirty talk, fantasy role play, exhibitionism, voyeurism, anal play, cuckolding, hotwifing, age play, race play, mutual masturbation, group play, CNC (consensual non-consent), sploshing, degradation, humiliation, worship, sissification, water sports (urine) play, and many more. Any of these kinks can be combined with any of the others at any given time. The possibilities are truly endless!
How Kinks Function in Sexual Desire
Exploring sexual kinks can often help you diversify the ways you can feel your core desires (the feelings you want to feel) during sex. By playing out different kinky sexual fantasies, you can really spice things up in the bedroom and enhance arousal and pleasure for you and your partner(s). You can experiment with any combination of kinks (safely and consensually), and as long as you’re feeling your core desires, you’ll be sexually satisfied.
What Is a Fetish?
Definition of Fetish
A sexual fetish is an erotic desire that is fixated on a specific inanimate object, fabric, body part, sensation, or scenario. Fetishes, much like core desires, are usually formed in childhood when our brains eroticize something due to an unmet need or traumatic experience. The brain assigns sexual relevance to something that isn’t otherwise overtly sexual, and it can become a fetish in adulthood. Our brains do this to help us process unpleasant feelings and make us feel safe. Kind of genius, right?
Examples of Fetishes
Much like kinks, the possibilities for fetishes are also endless! But some of the common categories are:
Body parts: Probably the most common fetish of all time is the foot fetish, but it’s possible to fetishize any body part. Usually when speaking of fetishes, we’re referring to body parts that are not traditionally sexualized becoming sexualized (think elbows, ears, navels, etc.).
Objects: Some people fetishize an inanimate object in childhood. This can be anything from a stuffed animal to a household appliance to a building to anything else.
Clothing: Some people fetishize a particular object of clothing. Think pantyhose, high heels, a pearl necklace, suspenders, a baseball cap, socks, etc.
Materials: Also very common are the latex, lace, and leather fetishes, but it’s entirely possible to fetishize any fabric that one finds arousing.
Behaviors: It’s possible to fetishize a behavior or scenario. Any of the kinky behaviors I mentioned in the examples of kinks can also become fetishes if it becomes the central fixation of someone’s arousal process.
How Fetishes Function in Sexual Desire
Fetishes are actually great to work with because they’re kind of like a shortcut to arousal and orgasm. If you have a true fetish, you can pretty much count on it working for you every time. You can also incorporate it into other types of kinky play as mentioned above to spice things up and keep things interesting. Again, the possibilities are endless!
What Is the Difference Between a Fetish and a Kink?
The main thing to note here in terms of the differences between sexual fetishes and sexual kinks is that kinks are nice to have but not essential for arousal, while fetishes are actually essential for arousal. You can certainly have a sexual preference for kinky play but still have no trouble getting aroused and having orgasms during vanilla play. Whereas if your kink is absolutely required in order for you to get aroused and to come, then it becomes a fetish.
Sexual kinks can also feel like more peripheral desires whereas sexual fetishes are more central to arousal. Fetishes can sometimes feel like they carry more psychological and emotional weight since they’re required. But the reality is that many kinks also require a lot of emotional care to play them out safely and consensually. Remember that neither kinks nor fetishes are “better” or “worse” than the other. They’re just operating at different levels of erotic focus in the brain.
Why Do We Develop Kinks and Fetishes?
As I mentioned before, your core desires are the feelings you want to feel during sex. They are emotions that you eroticized as a child due to unmet needs or traumatic experiences. As children, we don’t have the tools to process difficult emotions and experiences effectively. So instead, we eroticize the unpleasant feelings to make them more palatable and easier to process. Fetishes can be formed in the same way.
For example, a client of mine has a fetish with suspenders. When he was a kid, his parents forced him to wear suspenders to school. He felt that they were nerdy, and he felt a great deal of shame about having to wear them. But over time, he grew accustomed to them and began to like them. He even began to assign sexual meaning to them, and now in his adult life, suspenders turn him on a great deal. His brain, in a genius fashion, eroticized the suspenders in order to help him process the shame he felt about being forced to wear them.
While the seeds of kinks can certainly be planted during childhood, they usually become fully formed later in life as a way to diversify how you can feel your core desires. There are hundreds of fantasies you could play out to feel the same core desires. The kink world offers a plethora of ways to do that. For example, if your core desire is to feel safe, maybe you really enjoy being restrained in ropes, bondage tape, or cuffs. You like the feeling of being contained, and it makes you feel safe. The core desire (need for safety) is the part that was formed in childhood. The kink is discovered later as a way to feel your core desire.
The Role of the Nervous System and the Inner Child
Your inner child has absolutely everything to do with your adult sexual and relational life. A big part of my work with clients is helping them heal the inner child and regulate their nervous systems, often through sex and kink. It can actually be incredibly healing to understand your childhood wounding, the origins of your core desires, and the ways in which you can feel your core desires in safe and consensual ways. From giving yourself missing experiences to repeating unpleasant experiences with agency, sexual kinks and/or sexual fetishes can be an important part of your somatic healing journey.
That said, it’s important to understand that engaging sexually in psychologically intense realms requires a high level of self-awareness and dominion over your nervous system. It also requires strong attunement skills so that you can connect energetically with your scene partners and be able to pause when someone needs care. I work with my clients on nervous system regulation techniques such as somatic anger release, breath work, and mindfulness, so they can better care for themselves and their partner(s). Knowing how to come back to neutral in your nervous system is an essential tool that you can employ before, during, and after any kink experience.
Are Fetishes or Kinks a Problem?
In general, sexual fetishes and sexual kinks are a healthy and natural way to enhance arousal and pleasure. Most kinks and fetishes don’t hurt anyone and can be explored safely and consensually. They’re also really hot and should be celebrated!
Occasionally, a person can suffer from a paraphilic disorder. This occurs when a person’s kink or fetish causes them a great deal of psychological distress, involves another person’s psychological distress, and involves individuals that are not willing or able to consent. If you have a kink or fetish that you feel fits the above description, and your psychological distress about it transcends the usual shame inflicted by society, you may be suffering from a paraphilic disorder and should consider seeking support.
Talking to a Partner About Kinks or Fetishes
As I mentioned above, it can be so scary to “come out” to your partner about your sexual kinks and/or sexual fetishes. It’s important for you to first work with an intimacy coach or sex therapist to process your own shame and self-judgement around your sexual preferences so that you can come to a place of acceptance about them. Then you can broach the topic with your partner from a more neutral, unapologetic place.
Start the conversation by letting your partner know that just because you express an erotic desire doesn’t mean they are obligated to partake in said desire. Do not put any pressure or expectations onto your partner. Encourage them to just listen without judgment or commentary until you are complete in your sharing. Then you can open up the floor to have them respond in a loving way while remembering that they are not obligated to do any of the things you mentioned. Encourage them to share their authentic thoughts, feelings, and concerns about what you’ve shared from a non-judgmental place. Then give them a turn to express any erotic desires they may have been holding back from you as well.
You may be pleasantly surprised by your partner’s response to your sexual kinks and/or sexual fetishes. They may be totally down to try it with you and think it’s really hot! They also may not be down to try it with you, and then you will need to process your disappointment around that. Or maybe they’re comfortable with trying part of it, but not another part. That’s great! Remember to accept wherever they land and that all sexual communication must revolve around consent, boundaries, and negotiation. Also remember that just because your partner doesn’t share your exact erotic identity doesn’t mean that you’re fundamentally incompatible as partners.
Exploring Desire with Support
If you’re struggling to wrap your head around your unique sexual kinks and/or sexual fetishes, it can be really valuable to get professional support. Intimacy coaching can help you move through self-judgment and shame, discover all the ways you can explore your erotic desires, and start having the type of sex that actually fulfills you. It can be life-changing to have a professional help you discover your erotic identity, hone your sexual communication skills, and move forward from a place of self-acceptance and relational clarity.
Final Thoughts: Desire Is More Nuanced Than Labels
No two people on the planet have the exact same set of erotic desires, sexual kinks, and/or sexual fetishes. And that’s amazing! Understanding and accepting your unique sexual preferences helps reduce shame and increase intimacy with yourself and others. Exploring your turn-ons with curiosity and compassion allows you to create a stronger relationship with sex and with yourself. Erotic desires exist on a spectrum, and wherever you are on the spectrum is absolutely perfect.
Frequently Asked Questions
Can a kink turn into a fetish?
Technically, yes. If a kinky behavior graduates from feeling optional and peripheral to feeling required and central to arousal, then it becomes a fetish.
Is having a fetish normal?
Fetishes are much more common than people realize. While fetishism doesn’t affect everyone and is still considered “atypical”, there is nothing wrong with you if you have one. And you are definitely not alone!
Do kinks or fetishes mean something about your psychology?
Core erotic desires, as well as kinks and fetishes, are often formed during childhood based on an unmet need or traumatic experience. Kinks and fetishes mean just as much about your psychology as vanilla desires do. They are tied to your psychology, but they don’t need to be pathologized.
Can you have both a kink and a fetish?
Yes! It can be really fun and hot to combine kinks and fetishes in the same sexual experience.
Are fetishes more intense than kinks?
Fetishes are just more central to the arousal process than kinks are. Kinks are nice to have while fetishes are required. But fetishes are not inherently more intense than kinks.
What if my partner doesn’t share my kink or fetish?
While this can be disappointing, it’s extremely common for people in a relationship to have different turn-ons. There are plenty of ways to negotiate sexual play that works for both of you.
Are kinks and fetishes always sexual?
Not necessarily. While the definition of a fetish is the sexualization of something that is not inherently sexual, kinks can exist on a wide spectrum of sexual relevance. While some people really enjoy bringing kink dynamics into their sex lives, others enjoy playing in kink scenes without it leading to a sexual place at all. All of the possibilities are welcome here, and it just requires strong communication and negotiation prior to a scene to manage expectations about where the scene may go ahead of time.
