Sexual Incompatibility Is a Myth
As a sex and relationship coach in NYC, I talk to a lot of worried couples on a daily basis. Being in a relationship can create a lot of worries! But one of the most common concerns I hear from couples is that the sex has gone out of the relationship. And more importantly, they are concerned about what that means about the relationship.
These couples talk to me about many different relational concerns, but it often comes back to a fear that perhaps they are just fundamentally incompatible in the bedroom. And they’re concerned that this means their relationship is doomed to fail (or at least to not have a sexual component to it).
So here’s a little truth bomb for ya. I actually don’t believe in sexual incompatibility. I don’t think it’s a thing. This always blows people’s minds when I tell them this, so I’ll let it sink in for a minute…
Okay, welcome back. I believe that any two people who have some level of attraction to each other can be sexually compatible. BUT, you need to have a really solid understanding of what you want, what your partner wants, and how to give those things to each other. This is exceptionally challenging when society has taught you that being a good lover means essentially people-pleasing and forgetting about your own pleasure and desires. We’re taught that as long as you can make sure the other person is happy, then you should be happy too. But this mindset completely blocks both people from truly having their core erotic desires met.
Now, back to the couple who’s not having sex anymore. Nine times out of 10, the main reason is that one or both partners have lost their desire for sex. There are many reasons for low desire. (That’s another blog post. Stay tuned.) But one of the reasons that sex may not sound interesting to you is because you’re not having the type of sex you want to have, and you probably don’t even know what that is!
It would be super fantastic if we were taught how to have healthy relationships and sex lives in school. If we learned how to actually communicate about sex and own our desires and pleasure as soon as we were old enough to experience sexual desire, we’d all be a lot better off. (And I wouldn’t have a job).
Alas, ‘tis not the case. So that’s where I come in!
One of my specialties as a coach is helping people discover their core desires and hottest sexual movies. Your core desires are the feelings you want to feel during sex. They are emotions. We all go to sex to feel something emotional (even if we don’t realize it). Your hottest sexual movie is your ultimate fantasy - the things you want to actually do to get those core desires met. Your hottest sexual movie has nothing to do with actual TV or movies (unless your fantasy happens to be inspired by one). Rather, it’s your own sexy movie that you create and get to star in!
The interesting thing about core desires is they are formed super young based on needs we didn’t get met as a child. There are two pathways that core desires may take, and they are both equally viable and acceptable pathways.
One pathway is called resolution. This means you’re looking to feel the opposite of the feeling you felt as a child. Let’s say you grew up in a chaotic environment where you constantly felt out of control. A resolution pathway may lead you to eroticize control from an early age. So now as an adult, it really turns you on to feel in control. (Hello, my dear kinksters. I see you.)
The other pathway is called repetition with agency. This means that you’re seeking to feel the same feelings that you felt as a child, only now you have agency over the situation. Let’s take the same example from above (someone who grew up in a chaotic environment and often felt out of control). Their core desires could take the repetition with agency pathway so that this person now is very turned on by feeling out of control. Their brain eroticized the feeling of chaos at an early age, so now maybe they like being dominated or humiliated or any number of things that may evoke that feeling for them. Anything that makes this person feel like they are forced to relinquish control could be very exciting for them. As an adult, they now get to explore these desires in a safe container with a trusted partner, two-way consent, and safe words. They have agency over the situation in a way that they did not as a child.
Both of these pathways can be very healing. Our brains eroticize unpleasant feelings as a survival strategy. We have no control over this. Our brains were just trying to keep us safe the only way they knew how. Life gave us some (perhaps unpleasant) lemons, and our brains were like, “Let’s make some sexy lemonade!!”. It’s kind of genius, honestly.
So let’s celebrate our core desires, no matter how taboo, kinky, or vanilla they may be. This is a really cool thing our brains did a long time ago. And we get to embrace that rather than shame it.
The next step is to figure out your hottest sexual movie. These generally exist in four categories. Most people gravitate towards one or two types of HSMs. The categories are:
Passion: This is pretty much always how affairs are depicted in pop culture. It’s that hot, steamy, urgent, must have you now (or yesterday), can’t live without your hot sexy body… kind of energy. You’re throwing each other around, pushing someone up against the wall, catching them off guard, grabbing them in a public place because you just can’t wait, etc. You’re giving into your primal, animalistic urges.
Romance: Pretty much the opposite of passion. The romance energy is often how couples who are in love are depicted in pop culture. When someone in a movie or TV show is with the one at the end of the story, this is generally how it’s depicted. It’s slow and sensual. Everyone’s taking their time and savoring every moment. There's a lot of gazing lovingly into each other’s eyes. Maybe the L word is being used. People are feeling cherished, special, chosen. Maybe there are candles, bubble baths, rose petals… you get the idea.
Spiritual: This one is the most akin to tantra or sacred sexuality. It’s about the feeling of oneness with the Universe (or God, Source, higher power, etc.), with nature, and with your partner. It’s about connection to divine energy through sex. Transcending earth to a higher plane through sex. Melding into your partner or the earth. Not knowing where you end and where your partner, Source energy, or nature begins. You’ve entered the spiritual realm and are no longer human.
Dominance and submission: This is the category where BDSM (Bondage Discipline Sadism Masochism) and kink generally reside. It’s based on power play and control. The possibilities are endless here, but generally speaking, there’s a dominant party and a submissive party in the scene. Your role in the scene can be expressed in a variety of ways including impact (pain) play, sensation play, role playing, dirty talk, and more.
As you can see, there are endless combinations of core desires and hottest sexual movies that a person can have. No two people on the planet are going to have the exact same combination, as we are all unique beings with unique experiences and traumas. So how do you use this information?
Well, I do this for a living!! (I’m very passionate about it, too.) I can help you get specific AF about your unique desires and fantasies, and then teach you how to share this info with your partner(s) so that you can start truly having the best sex of your life.
Now, back to the original topic of the myth of sexual incompatibility. Understanding your and your partner’s core desires and hottest sexual movies makes it exponentially more likely that you will be able to find sexual compatibility. It’s like Google Maps for your sex life. This is why I believe that sexual incompatibility does not exist.
Now there are a few caveats that I will mention:
You do have to have some level of attraction between you two. It doesn’t have to be rip-your-clothes-off-right-now energy, but there needs to be something there to work with.
Both partners need to be open to the idea of doing whatever they can (within their own boundaries) to give their partner what they want. This may require a level of letting go of habit and being malleable and curious as you explore.
You have to meet someone where they are. For example, if you really want to be dominated and your partner just doesn’t have a dominant bone in their body, you can’t really expect them to suddenly become a power-hungry sadist.
As a sex and relationship coach, I help people negotiate with their partner(s) and figure out where they can be met in their desires and where they can’t. I help people explore alternative routes to getting their desires met if they can’t get everything from their current partner. And I help them process disappointment in the best way possible.
You ultimately can’t force anyone to do things they are just fundamentally not willing or able to do. But knowing each other’s core desires and hottest sexual movies makes it much more likely that you’ll be able to find some exciting common ground. That knowledge is fuel for your relationship.
So before you go ending an otherwise healthy relationship because the sex isn’t where you want it to be, try doing a deep dive into core desires and hottest sexual movies. You may discover something inside yourself or your partner that totally shifts your sex life in a way you could’ve never imagined. And if you want support in navigating this sexy, uncharted terrain, I’m totally here for you. Happy exploring!
