The Myth of Sexual Incompatibility: Why Your Sex Life Might Just Need a Map
Is Sexual Incompatibility Real, or Just Misunderstood?
As a sex and relationship coach in NYC, I talk to a lot of worried couples on a daily basis. Being in a relationship can create a lot of worries! But one of the most common concerns I hear from couples is that their sex life has essentially evaporated. And more importantly, they are concerned about what that means about their romantic relationship.
These couples talk to me about many different relational concerns, but it often comes back to a fear that perhaps they are just fundamentally sexually incompatible. Many people assume this means that their romantic relationship is broken or doomed to be sexless forever. They wonder if they’ll ever be able to rekindle their sexual relationship.
What Sexual Incompatibility Actually Looks Like
So here’s a little truth bomb for ya. I actually don’t believe in sexual incompatibility. I don’t think it’s a thing. This always blows people’s minds when I tell them this, so I’ll let it sink in for a minute…
Okay, welcome back. I believe that any two people who have some level of attraction to each other can have an amazing sexual connection. BUT, you need to have a really solid understanding of your sexual differences: what you want, what your partner wants, and how to give those things to each other. You and your partner having differing sexual desires does NOT make you inherently sexually incompatible. It just makes you unique humans! Internalizing this message is the first step toward understanding sexual incompatibility (and why I believe it’s a total myth).
What People Think Sexual Incompatibility Means
Mismatched sex drives - Couples often come to me low-key blaming their partner’s sex drive (or lack thereof) for all of their sexual issues. They believe it’s just “how they’re wired”.
Differences in turn-ons and fantasies - Guess what. No two people have the same exact core desires and hottest sexual movies. This is normal! More on that below.
Struggling to feel sexually connected - You likely just have different ways that you like to feel sexually connected than your partner does. That’s okay!
What’s Really Going on Beneath the Surface
Nine times out of 10, the main reason couples aren’t having sex anymore is that one or both partners have lost their desire for sex. There are many reasons for low desire. (That’s another blog post. Stay tuned.)
Many couples feel disconnected not because they’re sexually incompatible, but because they’ve never been taught how to communicate or understand their sexual desires. This lack of awareness and communication can lead to intense sexual frustration that stems from unmet sexual needs rather than true incompatibility.
Why Your Sexual Desire Might Have Faded
One of the reasons that sex may not sound interesting to you is because you’re not having the type of sex you want to have, and you probably don’t even know what that is!
Knowing what’s required for your own sexual fulfillment is exceptionally challenging when society has taught you that being a good lover means essentially people-pleasing and forgetting about your own pleasure and sexual desires. We’re taught that as long as you can make sure the other person is happy, then you should be happy too. But this mindset completely blocks both people from truly having their core erotic desires met. At the same time, you’re depriving yourself of the plethora of mental health benefits that come from prioritizing your own sexual well being.
You Were Taught To Ignore Your Own Pleasure
Let’s get real for a minute. If you’re guilty of people-pleasing your way through your sexual encounters, you’re likely experiencing reduced sexual satisfaction as well as reduced overall relationship satisfaction. This is often what causes couples to reach out to me for help.
Lack of Erotic Self-Knowledge Can Kill Your Sex Life
One of my specialties as a coach is helping people discover their core desires and hottest sexual movies. Your core desires are the feelings you want to feel during sex. They are emotions. We all go to sex to feel something emotional (even if we don’t realize it). Your hottest sexual movie is your ultimate fantasy - the things you want to actually do to get those core desires met. Your hottest sexual movie has nothing to do with actual TV or movies (unless your fantasy happens to be inspired by one). Rather, it’s your own sexy movie that you create and get to star in!
Discovering your core desires and hottest sexual movie is the most effective way to understand your unique sexual needs and reignite your sex life. This exciting exploration is your one-way ticket to achieving the mind-blowing sexual intimacy you’ve always craved.
Core Desires and the Secret to Sexual Compatibility
The interesting thing about core desires is they are formed super young based on needs we didn’t get met as a child. There are two pathways that core desires may take, and they are both equally viable and acceptable pathways in forming one’s sexual interests.
One pathway is called resolution. This means you’re looking to feel the opposite of the feeling you felt as a child. Let’s say you grew up in a chaotic environment where you constantly felt out of control. A resolution pathway may lead you to eroticize control from an early age. So now as an adult, it really turns you on to feel in control. This may lead you to want to play with control with your partner sexually. (Hello, my dear kinksters. I see you.)
The other pathway is called repetition with agency. This means that you’re seeking to feel the same feelings that you felt as a child, only now you have agency over the situation. Let’s take the same example from above (someone who grew up in a chaotic environment and often felt out of control). Their core desires could take the repetition with agency pathway so that this person now is very turned on by feeling out of control. Their brain eroticized the feeling of chaos at an early age, so now maybe they like being dominated or humiliated or any number of things that may evoke that feeling for them. Anything that makes this person feel like they are forced to relinquish control could be very exciting for them. As an adult, they now get to explore these desires in a safe container with a trusted partner, two-way consent, and safe words. They have agency over the situation in a way that they did not as a child.
Understanding you and your partner’s core desires is a major step towards the sexual compatibility you long for. The inherent vulnerability involved in understanding someone’s deep desires also strengthens emotional connection, which is essential for healthy long-term relationships.
Your Brain Is Making Sexy Lemonade
Both resolution and repetition with agency can be very healing. Our brains eroticize unpleasant feelings as a survival strategy. We have no control over this. Our brains were just trying to keep us safe the only way they knew how. Life gave us some (perhaps unpleasant) lemons, and our brains were like, “Let’s make some sexy lemonade!!”. It’s kind of genius, honestly.
So let’s celebrate our core desires, no matter how taboo, kinky, or vanilla they may be. This is a really cool thing our brains did a long time ago. And we get to embrace that rather than shame it. Because your core erotic wiring isn’t wrong. It’s a brilliant adaptation that allows you to find sexual fulfillment in unique ways!
Your Hottest Sexual Movie (HSM) Is Your Blueprint
The next step is to figure out your hottest sexual movie. These generally exist in four categories. Most people gravitate towards one or two types of HSMs. The categories are:
Passion
The passionate sexual fantasy is pretty much always how affairs are depicted in pop culture. It’s that hot, steamy, urgent, must have you now (or yesterday), can’t live without your hot sexy body… kind of energy. You’re throwing each other around, pushing someone up against the wall, catching them off guard, grabbing them in a public place because you just can’t wait, etc. You’re giving into your primal, animalistic urges.
Romance
Romantic sexual connection is pretty much the opposite of passion. The romance energy is often how couples who are in love are depicted in pop culture. When someone in a movie or TV show is with the one at the end of the story, this is generally how it’s depicted. It’s slow and sensual. Everyone’s taking their time and savoring every moment. There's a lot of gazing lovingly into each other’s eyes. Maybe the L word is being used. People are feeling cherished, special, chosen. Maybe there are candles, bubble baths, rose petals… you get the idea.
Spiritual
This one is the most akin to tantra or sacred sexuality. It’s about the feeling of oneness with the Universe (or God, Source, higher power, etc.), with nature, and with your partner. It’s about sexual connection with the divine. Transcending earth to a higher plane through sex. Melding into your partner sexually and sensually. Not knowing where you end and where your partner, Source energy, or nature begins. You’ve entered the spiritual realm and are no longer human.
Dominance and Submission
This is the category of sexual interests where BDSM (Bondage Discipline Sadism Masochism) and kink generally reside. It’s based on power play and control. The possibilities are endless here, but generally speaking, there’s a dominant party and a submissive party in the scene. Your role in the scene can be expressed in a variety of ways including impact (pain) play, sensation play, role play, dirty talk, and more.
Compatibility Isn’t Magic – It’s Self-Knowledge and Communication
As you can see, there are endless combinations of core desires and hottest sexual movies that a person can have. No two people on the planet are going to have the exact same combination, as we are all unique beings with unique experiences and traumas. So how do you use this information?
Well, I do this for a living!! (I’m very passionate about it, too.) I can help you get specific AF about your unique desires and fantasies, and then teach you how to share this info with your partner(s) so that you can start enjoying deep sexual fulfillment and overall relationship satisfaction.
Now, back to the original topic of overcoming sexual incompatibility. Understanding you and your partner’s core desires and hottest sexual movies makes it exponentially more likely that you will be able to find sexual compatibility. It’s like Google Maps for your sex life. This is why I believe that sexual incompatibility does not exist.
The 3 Foundations for Building a Sexually Compatible Relationship
Attraction: You do have to have some level of attraction between you two. It doesn’t have to be rip-your-clothes-off-right-now energy, but there needs to be something there to work with.
Openness: Both partners need to be open to the idea of doing whatever they can (within their own boundaries) to give their partner what they want.
Curiosity: Compatibility is discovered, not predetermined. This may require a level of letting go of habit and being malleable as you explore.
When You and Your Partner Have Different Sexual Needs
You have to meet someone where they are. For example, if you really want to be dominated and your partner just doesn’t have a dominant bone in their body, you can’t really expect them to suddenly become a power-hungry sadist.
As a sex and relationship coach, I help people negotiate their sexual differences with their partner(s) and figure out where they can be met in their desires and where they can’t. I help people explore alternative routes to getting their desires met if they can’t get everything from their current partner. And I help them process disappointment in the best way possible.
When One Partner Just Isn’t Into It
You ultimately can’t force anyone to do things they are just fundamentally not willing or able to do. But knowing each other’s core desires and hottest sexual movies makes it much more likely that you’ll be able to find some exciting sexual satisfaction despite your differing sexual interests. That knowledge is fuel for your relationship.
This is where working with a sex therapist or sex coach can be life-changing. The right practitioner can help you explore all of the options available to you, whether it be combining your HSM with your partner’s, taking turns getting your HSMs, getting your needs met elsewhere through non-monogamy, and more.
Processing Disappointment in Healthy Ways
The way I see it, processing disappointment is one of the best skills you can master for your overall mental health and wellbeing. Expecting one person to meet every single one of your needs at all times is a lot of pressure for them to carry. It’s also an unrealistic expectation society has engrained in us. The reality is that you’re much more likely to effectively get your needs met by enlisting the help of multiple people in your life (including yourself). Letting go of the idea that your partner should meet every single sexual need doesn’t mean settling. It means growing!
Don’t Give Up on a Good Relationship Just Because the Sex Is Off
Before you go ending an otherwise healthy relationship because the sex isn’t where you want it to be, try doing a deep dive into core desires and hottest sexual movies through sex therapy or sex coaching. You may discover something inside yourself or your partner that totally shifts your sex life in a way you could’ve never imagined. Happy exploring!
Work with a Sex Coach to Reignite Sexual Intimacy
If you’re feeling disconnected from your partner sexually, that doesn’t mean the end. It might mean it’s time for a new chapter in your sex life! Sex therapy or sex coaching can greatly increase your sexual wellbeing, which is a vital ingredient for a healthy long-term relationship. So when you feel ready to receive support in navigating this sexy, uncharted terrain, I’m totally here for you.
