There are many definitions of the word trauma. I like to use life coach Christine Hassler’s definition, which is “too much, too fast, too soon”. While this definition is actually quite simplistic, it shows us how many things should actually be considered trauma but often are not.

I’ve certainly been guilty of minimizing my trauma in the past. But the important thing to realize is that no matter how small it may seem, all trauma is important and should be handled with care. It’s important not to label our trauma as “not as bad” as things that others may have experienced. It’s not a competition. If it was significant to you, then it f**king matters.

Before I go any further, I want to put a trigger warning on this post. As you may have guessed by now, it’s about trauma, and it may activate you. Proceed with caution and courage if you choose.

Unpacking Personal Trauma: My Journey from Catholicism to Kink

We ALL have experience with trauma, and I am no exception. Why do you think I became a coach after all?? Well, one of my traumas was being raised Catholic.

I realize that many of you reading this may not think that would be traumatic, but hear me out. Catholicism is based on the principle that we are all born of original sin. So you are born a sinner already, even before you did anything other than come into the world, and you spend the rest of your life repenting for your sins in hopes of getting into heaven when you die. In addition, the rules of Catholicism are quite oppressive. The list of things you can’t do without ending up in hell is quite long, and the sexual shame is baked right in from the beginning. If you choose to have sex before marriage, you’re going straight to hell when you die. If you masturbate, straight to hell. If you have sex with anyone other than your spouse, straight to hell. If you dare to actually enjoy your sex life, straight to hell. And so on and so forth.

But here’s the thing: telling someone they can’t have a sex life is like telling them they can’t eat food. It’s completely unrealistic and impossible for most people on this planet. We are inherently sexual beings with desires and needs, and that gets to be celebrated! But for so many of us, the sexual shame we were exposed to as a child, no matter what religion or culture we were born into, is keeping us from embracing the pleasure that is our birthright.

How Religious Trauma Can Impact Your Sex Life

Religious and sexual shame instilled in childhood causes a lot of programming that needs to be undone in adulthood if you’re interested in living a life of freedom and having a fulfilling sex life. The sexual shame we carry with us in adulthood is often tied to our gender.

For people socialized as men, they may be carrying a belief that their sexual desire is dangerous to women, and that they need to tone it down to make women feel safe. This often results in men who are terrified to make the first move, yet they’re expected to by women. Meanwhile, they are celebrated by their peers for being sexually promiscuous and seen as more manly if they’ve had a lot of sex partners.

For people socialized as women, we are often taught that sex is not for us to enjoy. We’re taught that sex is for pleasing our husbands only, and that we better satisfy him even if we don’t want to. We’re also taught that if we dare to actually enjoy sex and choose to have it with multiple partners, we’re sluts. And if we’re a slut, no man will ever want to be with us romantically, so we’ll just be used for our bodies and then discarded. As a woman, it seems our choices are to either be a chaste wife and mother or a whore. And it feels like there’s no room for anything in between.

Society doesn’t exactly set us up to have a fulfilling sex life, so we have to do a lot of deep inner work if we want to release our sexual shame in adulthood. Working with a sex therapist or sex coach is a great way to start that healing journey. Another way to begin to work through childhood sexual shame and trauma is through exploring the world of kinky play.

Finding Healing Through BDSM Play: A Personal Revelation

There are many ways that I work with sexual shame and trauma in my NYC-based sex and relationship coaching practice. One of the ways is through kinky play or BDSM play. I recently attended the Somatica® Institute BDSM Mastery workshop for sex coaches taught by Shelby Devlin, and I got the chance to begin working through my religious trauma with BDSM play.

Real quick for those of you who don’t know: BDSM stands for Bondage Discipline Sadism Masochism. It can be defined as consensual play involving a wide range of kinky play dynamics such as power play (dominance and submission), physical restraints, impact (pain) play, role-playing, and more.

My First BDSM Scene: Rebellion and Release

I’ve recently realized that as someone who grew up Catholic and has since rebelled against it, the idea of rebelling against the church is actually quite erotic for me. It turns me on to be a “bad girl” who needs to be punished for being such a slut. I decided to raise my hand during the BDSM Mastery workshop and ask Shelby about it, and she invited me to explore this with her in the form of a class demo role-play.

Cue anxiety, fear, anticipation, and so much bravery as I walked to the front of the class. After a brief interview where she asked me about my core desires and boundaries, she crafted a “scene” where I role-played a naughty school girl being punished by a nun.

The rest is pretty blurry to be honest. As she was the dominant partner and I was the submissive partner in the scene, I actually achieved “subspace” in a short amount of time. Subspace is when the submissive partner gets lost in a somewhat meditative state and gives control to the dominant partner completely. Now to be clear, I’m actually a pretty bratty sub, so I didn’t relinquish control easily. I had a blast fighting against her as we role-played the BDSM scene. There were a million things going on in my body and brain at the same time. I received “impact play” in the form of beating with a cane and small electric zaps. (Arousal and adrenaline give us a higher tolerance for pain). It was dark, erotic, and pushed my growing edges in all the right ways. But it was what happened afterwards that was perhaps even more interesting.

The Importance of Aftercare and Emotional Release in BDSM Play

In the BDSM world, “aftercare” is what the submissive partner requests from the dominant partner after the scene is over. It’s what they feel they need in order to come back to neutral in their nervous system. For my aftercare, I had requested a cuddle sesh. As I was lying in Shelby’s arms, I started to get emotional and cried. It’s actually quite common for people to experience emotional release either during or after BDSM play, especially if it hits on themes that are traumatic for them. So there I was being held and crying in front of the whole class (luckily it was a judgment-free-zone). It was during this time that a few of my classmates reported hearing church bells outside. Synchronicity is my favorite.

Processing Trauma: Somatic Work and Generational Healing

Later that day, a classmate asked if I could name the emotion that came up afterward. The answer was no. I have no idea what that was, but I knew it needed to be released from my body, and I was ready to let that happen. That’s the awesome thing about somatic work. You don’t need to know what it is to release it from your body.

There’s a chance it was generational trauma that had been stored in my body. While I was never actually beaten by a nun, my parents definitely were, and most likely my grandparents and so on. The field of epigenetics has scientifically proven that trauma from past generations is passed down through our DNA. Or if you’re more spiritually-minded, it’s essentially the same concept as reincarnation. So there’s a chance that whatever I was feeling and releasing wasn’t even mine.

I continued to integrate this emotional release experience throughout the next week. There were a couple days where I felt okay emotionally, and then several days later, the feelings all hit me again like a ton of bricks. I was weepy all day and felt emotionally and physically exhausted. I still couldn’t name or pinpoint the emotion, but I let it all out. I took extra good care of myself that day and just allowed it to flow through me so it could release. I had plans that night to go to a Britney-Spears-themed dance party with a partner of mine, but I ended up just asking him to come to my place instead. I told him the story, cried, and was held physically and emotionally. Once the tears had passed through, we had sex. It’s actually advisable to have some orgasms after an emotional release to help move the energy through your body, and I will say, it worked like a charm. And even though I was SUPER bummed about missing Britney (this is very unlike me!), I had no choice but to listen to my body that day. And I’m so glad I did.

Since then, I’ve been feeling pretty good and back to normal. I do feel emotionally lighter as I always do after a big emotional release. But it’s not like my life is drastically different. I say this because sometimes people have this idea that one quick experience of generational trauma work can change everything, when in reality, healing is a long process. It takes dedication to doing somatic work, sometimes for years or even lifetimes (if you believe in that sort of thing). But it’s never too late to start doing somatic work and reaping the benefits in this lifetime!

Why Explore BDSM for Beginners: Healing and Empowerment

Now you may be thinking, “Why on earth would she re-traumatize herself like that?? What’s the point?”. Well, the truth is, we are all using sex as a way to heal our traumas from childhood. Whether you’re exploring the BDSM world or having a more traditional sex life (no shade!), your core desires are directly correlated to your trauma. Our core desires are shaped by whatever needs we didn’t have met as children. Sometimes it’s very empowering to replay experiences where you didn’t have control, only this time you have agency over the situation. (For a much more detailed explanation of core desires and hottest sexual movies, check out this blog).

Consent and Communication: A Beginner’s Guide to Safe BDSM Play

If you’re interested in starting to explore BDSM play, you’re in the right place! Here’s my quick beginner’s guide to the basics of the BDSM world. Obviously, there is a ton of nuance and niche pockets of the BDSM world that are not covered here. I’m really just covering the bare minimum of what you need to discuss and think about before you start experimenting. But I hope it makes you feel a bit more empowered as you explore this exciting new territory!

The cornerstone of all BDSM play is consent. You absolutely must start your BDSM play journey with a sex partner that you feel safe with. They should be someone you feel you can communicate openly with, someone you feel completely comfortable saying “no” to, and someone you can trust to honor your boundaries.

Before you begin any power play scene of any kind (sexual or not), you must negotiate the scene with your partner. This is the time where each of you can discuss any fears, desires, and boundaries you may have regarding the scene you’re about to do. Take this opportunity to mention any hard limits you may have (non-negotiable boundaries about things you absolutely are not open to), as well as any soft limits (things you might be curious about, but you want to proceed with caution around them due to lack of experience or other concerns).

Feel free to get extremely specific about these hard and soft limits. For example, a lot of people enjoy being choked during BDSM play. I, however, do not. So I always make a point of telling my scene partner that while I’m okay with them placing their hand on my throat, I don’t want them to apply any pressure. The more specific you can be, the safer both scene partners will feel.

The negotiation stage is also where you should establish safe words to use at any time during the scene. Safe words are how you communicate with each other during the scene without coming out of character. Either the dominant partner or the submissive partner can use a safe word at any time throughout the BDSM play experience.

Many people use the traffic light system (or stoplight system) to easily communicate their state of being and needs during a scene. This system is widely used in BDSM play party spaces, so many people find it simplest to use them in their private play as well. The traffic light system is what it sounds like: red, yellow, and green. Red means stop the scene immediately, drop character, we need to check in. Yellow means slow down, maybe do something else, or go a little lighter on that impact play. If your partner says “yellow” in a scene, you can absolutely check in with them and ask what they need changed if it’s not obvious. But you can do that while staying in character. Green means everyone loves what’s happening and wants more!

If you’re the submissive partner, please use your safe words early and often. There’s nothing better as the dominant partner than having a submissive partner that you can trust to communicate with you rather than endure something that doesn’t feel good. Using a yellow or even a red is truly a gift to your dominant partner.

As the dominant partner, it’s important to remember that you have a say in what’s happening too. If something doesn’t feel right to you, please use your safe words as well. Also, if you’re not sure how your submissive partner is feeling, you can simply check in with them by saying, “What’s your color?”. Then adjust accordingly.

If the submissive partner is gagged or unable to speak for whatever reason, they should have a safe gesture or safe object to signify if they need to stop. For example, they could have something in their hand that they can drop if things get too intense. This lets the dominant partner know to stop immediately and check in.

Tips for Getting Started with BDSM for Beginners

As you start to dip your toes into the BDSM world, please remember to go slow. It’s a marathon, not a sprint! There’s so much to explore, and you don’t want to overwhelm yourself. Remember the definition of trauma from the beginning of this post? Too much, too fast, too soon. Please honor your body, mind, and heart, and take it one step at a time.

Things like bondage play and kinky role-play are a great foray into BDSM for beginners. You could tie your partner’s hands together with a scarf, or explore sensation play by running a feather, silky object, or ice cube along your partner’s body. You could role-play that hot student / teacher BDSM scene you’ve always fantasized about. Or you could try some light impact play, even with just household objects (a spatula, ruler, or just your hand). As you feel ready to invest, you can start to build a collection of kinky toys and bondage gear. But there’s plenty of exciting things you can try without the fancy stuff!

Definitely use this blog post as a jumping off point rather than a complete guide. Continue to educate yourself by reading books and articles from reliable sources, and listening to podcasts about BDSM for beginners. You can also generate more ideas for things to try by watching ethical porn, reading erotica, and getting involved in your local BDSM community. This is also an excellent time to seek personalized guidance from a kink-informed sex therapist or sex coach like me.

Journey into the BDSM World: Final Thoughts

As I write this, I’m on an airplane. As the flight is nearly over, I looked up just now to see a man making the sign of the cross (a Catholic ritual gesture of prayer), presumably in hopes of a safe landing.

That’s exactly what I do for my clients. I work with them on whatever deep, dark things they are ready to explore, all while holding loving space for them -- ensuring a safe landing.

My hope is that as you explore the BDSM world, you uncover parts of yourself you didn’t know existed. I hope that you can lovingly accept those parts as aspects of the whole of you, as you are allowed to contain multitudes. I hope that you and your partner(s) are able to create a judgment-free-zone where each of you are liberated to explore BDSM scenes that excite you and fulfill you, no matter how taboo they may be. And I hope that this journey opens up your sex life in ways you could’ve never imagined.

Ready to Explore Your Desires?

Exploring the BDSM world for the first time can bring up a lot of emotions. It’s a very vulnerable space to play in, and it’s important to do it safely. If you’d like to enhance your healing journey with personalized, professional guidance, I’m available for coaching! You can book a free call to discuss coaching here.

In my practice, I work with both BSDM beginners and experienced kinksters alike. My main goal is to help you have the best possible sex life, whatever that means to you. I offer regular sex and relationship coaching sessions, as well as experiential BDSM sessions where you can actually do a non-sexual BDSM scene with me. This can be a very healing experience to mix into regular coaching if BDSM play is of interest to you.

I hope you’ve found this BDSM beginner’s guide helpful and inspiring. I wish you nothing but the best on your kinky journey!

BDSM FAQs

What does BDSM stand for?

BDSM is an acronym for Bondage Discipline Sadism Masochism.

Is BDSM considered a sexuality?

BDSM is not a sexual orientation. It refers consensual play involving power dynamics, regardless of the sexual orientations of the people involved.

Is BDSM only for couples, or can individuals explore it too?

Individuals can absolutely explore BDSM by getting involved in their local BDSM community. Individuals can attend some BDSM play parties, meet other kinksters, and experience scenes with new play partners as they become more comfortable. (This is how I did it BTW!).

How is BDSM different from a “normal” sex life?

BDSM is a subsection of the catchall term “kink” which refers to any type of sexual play that it outside “the norm”. Anything that deviates from traditional vanilla sex falls into the category of kink. If it involves power play, then it’s BDSM. It’s important to note that terms like “normal” can make people feel judged, so please think twice before using it!

What’s the difference between BDSM and an open relationship?

Engaging in BDSM has nothing to do with your relationship structure. While it’s true that there is a good amount of overlap between the BDSM community and the polyamorous community, they don’t always go together. Plenty of monogamous couples enjoy BDSM dynamics in their sex lives just like some polyamorous people do! (For more information on non-traditional relationship structures, check out this blog).

Is BDSM only about pain?

Nope! While some people really enjoy working pain play into their BDSM scenes, it’s not required by any means. Power play is the main ingredient for BDSM scenes. Power can be exerted and relinquished in many ways besides just impact play!

BDSM for Beginners: Exploring Kink and Healing Trauma