Why I Became an Intimacy Coach: My Journey from Shame to Empowerment

The Moment That Sparked My Healing Journey 

When I was a little girl, I was at the beach with my family.  I was too young to remember, but legend has it that my mother caught me rubbing my vulva in the sand exclaiming, “This feels good!”.  The reason I know about this is because my mother, even to this day, relishes the opportunity to share this story with anyone who will listen.  God forbid a young child explore what it feels like to be in this new thing called a human body!  

Shame Starts Early 

The fact that I don’t even remember this happening doesn’t even matter.  I’ve been shamed for it ever since.  And I guarantee you I’m not the only one walking around with sexual shame from before they can even remember.  It is so deeply engrained into our society, whether it be through organized religion, the media, our peers, or our authority figures.  And it takes a lot of deep healing work to even begin to break free of it in adulthood.  

How Shame Shapes Our Sex Lives and Relationships 

In my NYC-based sex and relationship coaching practice, I see individuals and couples with a plethora of sexual and relational difficulties.  And no matter what the situation, there is always an undercurrent of sexual shame we picked up in our childhoods.  You better believe that the shame your parents, your community, or your church may have placed upon you before you could even talk is affecting how you relate to your partner(s) as an adult.  When we’re children, our brains are like sponges.  We soak up anything and everything and have no filter for what’s helpful and what’s not.  Our little brains can’t remember a time when we didn’t carry sexual shame with us on the regular, so it becomes the norm.  As an intimacy coach, I see firsthand how shame carried into adulthood affects both sexual and emotional intimacy in relationships. 

What Shame Looks Like in Adult Relationships 

Below are just a few of the many ways that sexual shame can manifest in adulthood: 

  • Erectile dysfunction:  You may have trouble getting or maintain an erection. 

  • Premature ejaculation:  You may ejaculate too quickly. 

  • Delayed ejaculation:  You may take a very long time to ejaculate, or you may not be able to ejaculate with a partner at all. 

  • Anorgasmia:  You may not be able to have orgasms at all. 

  • Low libido: You may not be interested in having sex at all or infrequently. 

  • Disembodiment:  You may struggle to feel pleasure or to feel connected to your body.  

You’re Not Alone.  You’re Not Broken. 

If any of this has resonated with you so far, I want you to know three things: 

1) You are not alone.

2) There is nothing wrong with you.  

3) There is hope.  

Lots of people enter into the sex coaching process asking, “Am I normal?”.  My answer is always “yes”!  It’s so common to feel like everyone else has it all figured out, and that you’re the one left on the sidelines struggling with sexual confidence.  But I can assure you that is not the case.  

It’s never too late to release the sexual shame you’ve been carrying for decades and finally start having the best sex of your life!  A certified sex coach can help you uncover and embrace your unique sexual desires, which are a crucial component of healthy relationships.  You are worthy of mind-blowing physical intimacy and deeply fulfilling emotional intimacy.   I would be delighted to help you claim it!  

Why I Became a Sex and Relationship Coach 

As an intimacy coach, I am so committed to helping people get a deeper sense of their core sexual desires, de-shamify those very desires, and finally experience the sexual satisfaction they’ve been craving for so long.  

Helping Clients Reconnect with Their Bodies 

Life’s too short to not enjoy the wonder that is your body.  And yet so many people just go through life as a floating head!  What people often don’t realize is that emotional and physical intimacy go hand in hand.  Somatic sex coaching can help you get out of your head and into your body and heart, so that you can be more physically and emotionally present with your partner(s).  Have you ever caught yourself going through the motions of physical sex but running through your to-do list in your head?  I can help you get to a place of full-body pleasure while also staying present with your emotional connection. 

It's important to mention that my approach to somatic coaching is very focused on consent, and that I will never force anyone to do anything.  I often suggest somatic (body-based) exercises to my clients, but they are always at choice.  Moreover, I make sure that each client always proceeds at their own pace.  I will never push anyone to do something they are uncomfortable with! 

Defining Erotic Energy and Life Force 

Have you ever heard erotic energy referred to as “life force energy”?  Well, that’s because when you embrace your eroticism, it gives you a vivacity that you can’t get elsewhere.  (Even from espresso.  Believe me, I’ve tried.).  There is nothing else in the world quite like it!  

Getting in touch with your erotic energy and learning how to carry it with you throughout your day is an excellent way to increase your overall zest for life.  When you carry this energy with you everywhere you go, you become magnetic.  People are nicer to you, you’re nicer to them, and it’s sexy as hell.  When you lead with your erotic energy, it becomes way easier to cultivate that yummy erotic intimacy both with yourself and others.  

Quick note: Erotic energy is not the same as sexual energy.  Erotic energy is that life force energy I described above, and it’s totally appropriate to share erotic energy with all the people in your life.  Sexual energy (as the term suggests) is more intensely sexual in nature and should be reserved for sexual partners.  There’s nothing leaky or creepy about bringing your erotic energy with you throughout your day.  If you’re not sure what I mean, I can help you test them both out so you can feel more confident in knowing how it feels and what you’re leading with! 

What Does an Intimacy Coach Actually Do? 

My approach to intimacy coaching is both experiential and somatic.  Experiential means that you’re actually experiencing growth in real time during the intimacy coaching session.  We’re not just talking about things you could try (unless it’s outside the boundaries of my sessions).  Instead, I’m often encouraging you to practice whatever you’re working on with me or your partner during the session.  Experiential work leads to faster growth than just talking about your challenges because you’re actually putting the tools and skills you’re learning into practice and getting feedback from me in real time.  

Somatic means body-based.  Somatic coaching is much more effective than regular relationship coaching because you’re not just theorizing.  You’re actually feeling emotions and moving them through your body.  Instead of just talking about what you could do and keeping it all in your brain, you’re involving your body.  This can include touch-based exercises (within the boundaries of the client and myself), emotional awareness exercises where you’re encouraged to feel your feelings and move them through your body, embodiment exercises, and more.  

In my opinion, experiential and somatic exercises are the building blocks of effective intimacy coaching. 

Coaching vs. Therapy 

Experiential intimacy coaching and sex therapy are similar in some ways, yet quite different in other ways.  In both modalities, clients spend time talking through their relationship dynamics, intimacy concerns, and communication skills with the practitioner.  But an intimacy coaching session has the potential to go much farther than traditional talk therapy ever could.  This is because licensed therapists are beholden to many rules put in place by the state in which they practice, and they could lose their license if they violate them.  These rules govern what they can and can’t do with their clients, and they’re quite strict.  I do believe that talk therapy can be somewhat helpful early on in your healing journey.  But since it’s only talking, it can only get you so far. 

Effective intimacy coaching can take you the rest of the way because coaching is not regulated in the same way that therapy is.  While intimacy coaches do have boundaries that are very much upheld, they are much more liberal than those of therapists.  And we don’t have a license to lose!  

Experiential somatic intimacy coaching can get you closer to your goals much more quickly than just talking about it.  When you involve your whole body in the healing process, and have the opportunity to actually try your skills and get feedback from your coach in real time, you will see results much faster!  

Another big difference between intimacy coaching and therapy is that effective intimacy coaching involves a two-way, securely attached relationship between the client and the practitioner.  While therapists are taught not to self-disclose, coaches are vulnerable with their clients in the same way that their clients are vulnerable with them.  This allows the client to practice secure attachment, which then helps them form secure attachment in their real-world relationship dynamics more easily.  Intimacy coaches also have the option to share erotic energy with their clients, while therapists do not.  So if you’re interested in taking the fastest path to achieving your goals, intimacy coaching may be your best bet! 

Core Coaching Goals 

What I want for you is what you want for you.  My approach always starts with me learning about your goals and tailoring our sessions toward those goals.  Some common goals I help people achieve include releasing shame, reclaiming pleasure, defining core sexual desires and hottest sexual movies, and increasing communication skills.  But there are many more beautiful sexual and relational goals that I take great joy in exploring.  I’d love to hear about yours! 

What Happens in an Intimacy Coaching Session? 

Here’s how a typical intimacy coaching session tends to go. 

Step 1: Attunement and Identifying Growing Edges 

I start each session by attuning to the client(s) and getting a sense of where they are in the moment.  I feel it’s very important to meet the client where they are mentally, physically, and emotionally on any given day, rather than imposing a predetermined agenda onto them in the session.  I coach in a fluid manner that allows for anything that feels especially present that day to be explored and expressed in a safe space. 

Based on what the client is expressing, I will often identify a growing edge.  A growing edge is something I perceive to be holding the client back from achieving their goals. 

Step 2: Experiential Exercise 

Once I’ve identified a growing edge that I think we can work on during the session, I will often propose an experiential exercise to the client to explore their intimacy skills.  I will sometimes give the client options of a few different exercises that we could try to work through this particular growing edge.  I explain the exercise and what they will get out of doing the exercise.  And most importantly, I seek enthusiastic consent from the client about doing the exercise.  I also remind them that consent is revocable, and that either of us can stop the exercise at any time.  If we both agree, we do the exercise.  

Step 3: Debriefing, Integration, and Connection 

After the exercise, I slowly guide the client out of the practice.  I check in with them to see how the experience was for them.  We discuss any insights they may have had during the experience (what worked, what didn’t, what they felt, what was difficult, what was easy, etc.).  All of this is information that helps me get to know the client better and be able to better tailor future sessions to them specifically.  We also discuss anything we’ve learned during the session, any take-aways, and any new growing edges that may have emerged that can be addressed in future sessions.  If there’s any need, I will help guide the client through emotional regulation to help them come back to a place of neutral in their nervous system.  I may also offer comfort or support in the form of physical intimacy (like a hug or a cuddle) and/or emotional connection (anything that may feel supportive emotionally as we close the session).  

Pleasure Is Your Birthright 

It is my fundamental belief that every human being deserves to live a fulfilling, passionate life.  No matter who you are in this world, you deserve to reclaim the pleasure that is your birthright.  

Practice Body Exploration with Curiosity 

Now back to little Leandra.  Remember her from the beginning of this post?  The toddler who shamelessly relished in her pleasure on the beach?  I invite you to take a cue from her and begin to really explore your body.  Don’t just pull up your favorite porn site and go directly to the finish line.  Nothing against porn or orgasms (believe me), but I want you to start by exploring your body with childlike wonder and innocence.  Like you’re new on this earth and new to this body, and every sensation is fascinating.  Leave no inch untouched.  Take your time.  And revel in the fact that there’s no one there to shame you for indulging in what feels delicious to you.  

Learning to love your whole body is instrumental in improving your sex life and embracing your unique sexual desires.  You may find that exploring your physical intimacy with your whole self can also lead to more emotional intimacy with yourself and your partner(s).  It can really be a profound experience. 

Be Gentle with Yourself 

Exploring your own body with conscious awareness is just one step in dissolving the sexual shame that we’ve all be carrying for decades. No matter what comes of this exercise, I encourage you to be super kind and gentle with yourself.  If you have a history of trauma or don't feel ready for this one yet, for any reason, I'll have more suggestions in future blog posts.

Remember that everyone is on their own timeline in this life, and your journey is different than everyone else’s.  Please go at your own pace with any exploration you may embark upon.  Seeking support from an intimacy coach can be really helpful for getting personalized guidance as well.  

Is Intimacy Coaching Right for You? 

I'd love to help you de-shamify and reclaim your sexual self, a process best navigated with a successful intimacy coach who specializes in this type of work.  

Who I Work With 

My coaching business is open to individuals, couples, and polycules.  I work with humans of all sexual orientations, gender identities, relationship structures, ages, races, abilities, religions, body types, kinks, and backgrounds. 

I work with any issues you may be facing under the umbrella of sex, relationships, intimacy, and dating.  Whether it’s overcoming cultural sexual shame, addressing sexual dysfunction, or simply reconnecting with your partner(s) and maintaining healthy relationships, I’m here for it!  

Next Steps to Work Together 

If you’re ready to take the next step on this journey, I encourage you to reach out to me for sex and relationship coaching.  You can start by booking a free alignment call here: https://www.intimacywithleandra.com/contact.  I look forward to connecting with you!

Final Thoughts: Reclaim Your Sexual Self 

As an intimacy coach, I firmly believe that growth-oriented relationships have the ultimate staying power.  Something about saying to your partner and to the Universe, “Yes, I’m choosing to invest my time, energy, and money into this relationship” is just so freaking powerful.  When you and your partner(s) are committing to being on a growth journey together, it opens the door for magic to happen.  

Whether you’re solo, partnered, or somewhere in between, I know you’re deserving of sexual confidence, shameless pleasure, and mind-blowing emotional and physical intimacy.  Now get out there and claim it!  


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