What Is Unicorn Hunting in Polyamory? A Guide to Ethics and Expectations
The term “unicorn hunting” in ethical non-monogamy is often used to describe a heterosexual couple in a primary partnership that seek a bisexual woman to fit perfectly into their existing open relationship dynamic, whether it be for casual sex or for more of a triad relationship structure. The term is seen as negative or derogatory in the polyamory community because it can make the unicorn feel objectified, fetishized, and devalued. Many people will label swingers or monogamish couples looking for a third as unicorn hunters because they feel like these couples are seeking to use bisexual women for sex and then discard them when they’re finished having fun.
As a bisexual, polyamorous woman myself, I’ll be honest and say that I do get the ick when I get unicorn hunting vibes from a couple. It’s an energetic vibe that I just feel. It’s the difference between an energy of desperation to get a certain experience out of me vs. genuine interest in my feelings, polyamory boundaries, and core values as a human being. And you can’t fake it either.
And it’s not just couples who give off these problematic vibes. I’ve matched with men on dating apps where it becomes clear very quickly that they see me as their ticket to their first threesome rather than as a human being. It feels gross, and it turns me off really fast.
Now, there are instances where a couple may find a third partner who doesn’t mind being objectified in that way. There are some people who enjoy being the very special guest star in a couple’s bedroom and then going home alone. And hey, no shade. That’s great! But think about how rare that likely is to find. That’s why they call them unicorns, folks. They may as well be mythical creatures!
To be clear, I don’t think you’re a bad person for wanting to have a threesome. Threesomes are super-hot, and it’s the number one most popular fantasy in the United States for a reason. It’s also okay to be new to learning about open relationship dynamics and how to go about it ethically. At the end of the day, you don’t know what you don’t know.
In this article, we’ll explore the meaning of unicorn hunting, why it can be problematic, and how to approach it with healthy non-monogamy ethics in mind.
What Does “Unicorn Hunting” Mean?
So, what is unicorn hunting? A unicorn is a bisexual woman (could also be a bisexual man in some cases) that is open to joining an existing couple for sex and/or for a triad relationship or throuple. Unicorn hunting is the act of the couple seeking the unicorn, whether at play parties, non-monogamy events, or on dating apps. The issue is that the unicorn can have a lot of unrealistic expectations placed upon them by the couple, which is what makes unicorn hunting problematic. That being said, not all triad relationships are inherently unhealthy. There is certainly an ethical way to have an emotionally-connected triad relationship if that is what you desire.
Why Is It Called a “Unicorn”?
The term “unicorn” is fitting for these women because they’re so rare, they may as well be mythical creatures. Couples looking for a unicorn often have an idealized fantasy about what it will be like when they find them. They want a third partner who fits perfectly into their existing open relationship dynamic without ruffling any feathers or changing the vibe. They’re also looking for a unicorn who’s attracted to both existing partners and who doesn’t need much from the existing partners.
While this sounds lovely in concept, it’s not very realistic. The reality is that even if someone is open to entering into an existing open relationship dynamic with a couple, they’re still a human being who has needs, boundaries, and feelings. It’s impossible to find someone who fits right into your existing relationship without changing anything at all.
Why Unicorn Hunting Can Be Problematic
Power Imbalances in Couple-Centric Dynamics
Couple privilege in polyamory refers to the structural power an existing couple holds in any open relationship dynamic. Polyamory communication and decision-making often prioritize the primary relationship, giving less consideration to the needs and emotions of newer partners or third partners in polyamory.
Unrealistic Expectations
The fantasy of the polyamory unicorn who’s attracted to both partners equally, strikes just the right emotional balance, and has complementary kinks and desires is just not realistic. Seeking a third partner in polyamory when your expectations are so high usually ends in someone’s feelings getting hurt.
Lack of Autonomy for the Third Person
A third partner coming into an existing open relationship dynamic can often feel like they don’t have a say in the relationship structure. The unicorn’s polyamory boundaries may not be valued by the couple in the same way that their existing partner’s boundaries are valued. The new person can often feel like they’re not entitled to use their voice and are expected to just go with the flow, ignoring their own needs, boundaries, and desires.
Disposability and Emotional Harm
The unicorn can also feel like they need to please the couple and be super easygoing or else risk being excluded from the open relationship dynamic. The third partner can feel as though they can be replaced by the couple at any time if tension arises. This can result in the unicorn feeling devalued and potentially developing low self-esteem.
Why People Engage in Unicorn Hunting
Couples can embark on a quest to find a unicorn for a multitude of reasons. It’s possible that they’re trying to fill a void in their relationship. Maybe they’re trying to spice up their sex life, fulfill a lifelong fantasy, or quell their partner’s higher libido. It could also be an attempt to avoid deeper emotional repair work that needs to happen in the relationship--like the threesome is a Band-Aid that could temporarily make both people more satisfied. And sometimes it’s a Hail Mary move, meaning the couple is hoping a threesome could save their relationship. (P.S. this doesn’t work).
It's also possible that the couple is just curious about non-monogamy and wanting to dip a toe in and see how it feels. Or maybe they’re already non-monogamous and struggling with jealousy or feeling left out of their partner’s sexcapades, so they try to create a structure where they can be present in the sexual dynamic.
Unicorn Hunting vs. Ethical Non-Monogamy
Unicorn hunting is different than ethical non-monogamy for various reasons. Unicorn hunting is often coming from a place of control, and it centers on the existing couple’s needs and desires without always considering those of the third partner. Ethical non-monogamy, however, centers on autonomy and consent, recognizing each person as a valued individual with emotions, boundaries, and needs. Unicorn hunting can also come from a place of trying to fill a void in the relationship, whereas ethical non-monogamy hopefully comes from a place of adding to an already healthy relationship.
Can Triads Be Healthy?
Triad relationships can be healthy with the right amount of intention and emotional awareness. It’s important to let any relationship develop organically without trying to force anything. Healthy triad relationships often include independent relationship dynamics, equal agency for all people involved, ongoing polyamory communication, and enthusiastic consent.
Questions to Ask Yourself If You’re Considering This
Am I Trying to Control Uncertainty or Build Connection?
Check to see if you’re seeking a third partner so you don’t feel left out, or if you’re authentically wanting to connect with the unicorn as a whole person.
Am I Open to Each Person Having Equal Needs and Voice?
Check to see if you’re clinging to your couple privilege in polyamory, or if you’re open to shifting power dynamics.
Would I Be Comfortable in the Third Person’s Position?
Check to see how you would feel if you were in the unicorn’s shoes. Then adjust your expectations and behaviors accordingly.
Am I Prepared for Emotional Complexity?
Check to see if you and your partner are ready to work through any challenging emotions that may arise. Sex is an emotional experience, and this will change your existing open relationship dynamic in some way.
What Am I Hoping This Will Solve?
Check to see if you’re hoping for a Band-Aid or a Hail Mary, or if you’re authentically wanting to connect emotionally and physically with another human being.
How to Approach Non-Monogamy More Ethically
Seeking a third partner in polyamory can be done ethically if you approach it with intention, curiosity, and healthy polyamory boundaries. Focus on controlling your own emotions and behaviors rather than trying to control others. Develop emotional awareness of self and others, and engage in regular polyamory communication with all of your partners. Allow relationships to form organically rather than trying to force a third partner to fit seamlessly into your existing open relationship dynamic. Lastly, accept that discomfort in ethnical non-monogamy is inevitable and embrace the challenges as opportunities for personal growth. Adopting non-monogamy ethics is an important part of exploring polyamorous dating while doing as little emotional harm as possible.
Reframing the Desire for a Third Partner
I encourage you to shift your intentions in seeking a third partner in polyamory. Instead of trying to use another person to fill a void in your relationship, focus on connecting with others as whole human beings. Recognize each individual’s autonomy and emotional needs rather than only focusing on those of your primary partner. And remember the golden rule: treat others the way you would like to be treated.
Working With an Intimacy Coach
If you’re still not sure how to move forward with ethical non-monogamy in a way that feels most authentic to you and your partner, it’s okay to seek professional intimacy coaching services. An intimacy coach can help couples navigate polyamory communication, identify controlling patterns, build emotional resilience, and develop healthier relational frameworks.
Final Thoughts: Awareness Creates Healthier Relationships
Understanding open relationship dynamics from the lens of non-monogamy ethics allows couples to make decisions based on the emotions and needs of all parties involved. Remember that healthy relationships prioritize autonomy, honesty, and mutual respect. As you move forward in your triad relationship journey, I encourage you to approach it with curiosity and emotional intelligence with an emphasis on personal growth.
Frequently Asked Questions
What is unicorn hunting in polyamory?
Unicorn hunting in polyamory means that an existing couple is seeking a bisexual individual to join them for casual sex and/or a triad relationship.
Is unicorn hunting always unethical?
No. If the unicorn authentically consents to an emotionless tryst, that is ethical. If the primary couple shifts their intention in seeking a third partner to something more emotionally aware and considerate of the third party’s feelings and needs, that is ethical. Consent, respect, and emotional consideration are key in non-monogamy ethics.
Can a couple ethically date the same person?
Sure! And it can be really fun. If the couple can recognize their couple privilege in polyamory and try their best to treat the third partner as an equal, this can totally work.
Why do people criticize unicorn hunting?
Unicorn hunting gets a bad rap because it can feel like the primary couple is just trying to use the unicorn for sex or to solve their relationship issues. Using another person to fill a void and then discarding them can cause emotional harm and should generally be avoided.
What are alternatives to unicorn hunting?
Hiring a sex worker for a threesome could be a good option for you if you only want a transactional sexual exchange. The monetary exchange and the fact that the sex worker is being hired to do a job can take the emotions out of the experience and keep everyone on the same page about expectations.
How can I practice ethical non-monogamy?
This is a very big question, but I’d say start with emotional intelligence, mutual respect, and solid polyamory communication skills.
How can an intimacy coach help with polyamory dynamics?
An intimacy coach can help individuals and couples set healthy polyamory boundaries, develop solid polyamory communication skills, repair any ruptures in the relationship, and much more.
