Healing from Narcissistic Abuse: How to Reclaim Your Power
The term “narcissism” has become a bit of a buzzword on social media in the last decade or so. You may hear people left and right labeling their ex as a narcissist without really understanding what that even means. As a society, it seems we’ve gotten into the habit of throwing the term at anyone who hurts our feelings. But the reality is that narcissism is a personality disorder (one that is likely drastically underdiagnosed). I get the sense that it may be underdiagnosed because it’s hard to get someone with narcissistic tendencies to admit that they’re wrong and seek professional help.
That being said, not everyone who hurts your feelings is a narcissist. Sometimes people have good intentions, and feelings still get hurt. No matter how hard we try, pain is somewhat inevitable in intimate relationships. That is normal.
I am not a psychiatrist or clinical psychologist, so I can’t diagnose Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). What I can do is recognize narcissistic tendencies in people, due to both professional and personal experience with narcissists. And I can tell you from personal experience that healing from narcissistic abuse is a delicate process that takes a lot of care and patience. It’s okay to admit that you’ve been a victim of narcissistic abuse, and it’s okay to seek help in healing from it. In fact, I think it’s very brave.
Narcissistic abuse is a form of emotional and psychological manipulation, and it can be very damaging to your self-confidence. Being in a relationship of any kind which a narcissist is incredibly destabilizing and confusing. It can make you question your own sanity, memory, instincts, and judgment. It’s really easy to lose your sense of self and your self-esteem in a relationship with a narcissist. And once you’re finally out of the relationship, the process of recovering from narcissistic abuse involves a lot of rebuilding your self-trust and sense of emotional safety in your nervous system.
In this article, I’ll help you understand narcissist abuse patterns, recognize different narcissistic behaviors, and explore how to begin to reclaim your power if you feel you’ve been involved with a narcissist.
What Is Narcissistic Abuse?
Narcissistic abuse is a form of emotional and psychological manipulation, typically carried out by people with narcissistic tendencies, as a way of gaining power and control over others. Tactics often include gaslighting, blame-shifting, love-bombing, isolation, and devaluation. Narcissistic abuse erodes your sense of identity and reality because you’re being constantly gaslit. If you have someone whose opinion you value always telling you that you’re not enough or that you’re crazy, you may actually start to believe it. After you’ve managed to leave the situation, you may be confused about whether or not the abuse actually happened. This is because you’ve been conditioned for so long to question your own sense of reality that your self-trust has been damaged.
Common Signs of Narcissistic Abuse
Gaslighting and Reality Distortion
Gaslighting in relationships is when the narcissist makes you question your own sense of reality. They may claim that your perception of past events or conversations is wrong, and they may attempt to manipulate you into getting on board with their version of reality. This can make you feel like you’re crazy, and that you can’t trust your own memories and opinions.
Cycles of Idealization, Devaluation, and Discard
This is when the narcissist love-bombs you in the beginning of the relationship, then seems to criticize you for every little thing, then withdraws from you. Rinse and repeat.
Emotional Control and Manipulation
Emotional manipulation in relationships is when the narcissist uses tactics like guilt tripping, shaming, or making you feel a sense of obligation. By playing the victim, the narcissist gains leverage over you, and thus power and control.
Feeling Constantly Confused or Walking on Eggshells
This is when you constantly experience unpredictable emotional reactions from the narcissistic partner. You never know which version of the person you’re going to get, so you always approach with caution so as not to set them off.
Losing Trust in Your Own Instincts
All of this can lead to you doubting your own intuition or judgment because you’ve been brainwashed into believing that your version of reality is incorrect.
The Different Types of Narcissists
Not all narcissists behave in the same way. You may be surprised to learn that there are actually five different types of narcissists, and it’s important to understand them all in order to be able to recognize them more easily. Understanding these patterns can also help survivors make sense of confusing experiences and help them move towards narcissistic abuse recovery.
Communal Narcissists
Communal narcissists like to present themselves as altruistic, helpful, and morally superior. They hide behind humanitarian efforts, but really, it’s a ploy to get admiration and validation for appearing selfless. They don’t just quietly volunteer. They volunteer and then post it all over social media or their dating profiles. They need everyone to know how “generous” they are.
Benign Narcissists
Benign narcissists may appear charming and confident without obvious cruelty. They have an air of self-importance and are very superficial, but they’re less manipulative and dangerous than other types. They may be fun to hang out with, but you’ll never know them on a deep level. At the end of the day, they’ll still prioritize their own needs and seek constant validation.
Covert Narcissists
Covert narcissists love to play the victim. They may sulk in the corner, talk about how they never got a fair shot in life, claim that they “don’t deserve you”, or act like they’re the only person in the world who’s ever suffered. They build resentment towards their partner when things are going well for them, and they secretly want to be rescued. Covert manipulation can be subtle and passive aggressive, coming from the victim mentality.
Grandiose Narcissists
Grandiose narcissists are the classic type that everyone usually thinks of when they think of narcissism. They display arrogance, entitlement, and dominance, and they seek admiration and control. They think they’re the best, hottest, and smartest person on the planet. But when things start going badly for them, they appear more covert and start to play the victim.
Malignant Narcissists
Malignant narcissists are the most dangerous type. They’re manipulative, exploitative, cruel, aggressive, and coercive (sexually or otherwise). They’re more than willing to take advantage of people to get what they want, and they may resort to physical violence as well.
Why Narcissistic Abuse Is So Difficult to Leave
When you’re stuck in the cycle of narcissistic abuse, it can feel impossible to imagine what your life would look like outside of it. Narcissists are really good at diminishing your self-worth through prolonged gaslighting in relationships, which in turn makes you feel like you can’t do any better than them. This makes you feel dependent on them for connection, so you’re encouraged to stay. They’re also really good at slowly isolating you from your friends and family, so it can really feel like they’re the only person that’s ever there for you, and it’s either them or no one.
It’s also very easy to experience trauma bonding in a relationship with a narcissist, which is often combined with intermittent reinforcement. This means that the narcissist oscillates between being abusive and being kind, leaving you holding out for the good times. The good times can even feel intensely positive (i.e., love-bombing, grand gestures, or mind-blowing sexual passion). Your brain releases dopamine during those high highs and cortisol during those low lows, causing you to feel biochemically addicted to the abuser.
Survivors of narcissistic abuse often feel conflicted, guilty, or confused about whether to stay or go. It can be so hard to see the signs of narcissistic abuse when you’re deep in it. You want so badly to give them the benefit of the doubt because you love them. You want it to work for so many reasons. You catch yourself making excuses for your partner’s behavior when your friends or family point out the red flags. You have your rose-colored glasses on, and you don’t know how to take them off. In fact, you’re not even sure you want to.
This is totally normal when you’re in a relationship with a narcissist. It’s very destabilizing to have someone you’re so close to treating you this way. It makes you question your self-worth and your ability to make your own decisions. Emotional manipulation in relationships with narcissists is so intense, it’s easy to get lost on the roller coaster of emotions.
The Emotional Impact of Narcissistic Abuse
Experiencing narcissistic abuse is traumatic, so it has many of the same effects on the victim as other types of trauma. It can cause anxiety and hypervigilance because your nervous system can get stuck in the sympathetic, fight or flight response. When you’re in the cycle of narcissistic abuse, your nervous system never really settles. You’re constantly scanning for danger because you never know what version of your partner you’re going to get. You get used to living life in survival mode, so that becomes your default. When your nervous system never gets to rest, it can also lead to emotional exhaustion and burnout.
Narcissistic abuse also causes significant feelings of self-doubt and a feeling that you’ve lost your identity and sense of self. Survivors also tend to have a difficult time trusting others and can experience consistent feelings of shame and self-blame. They often feel disappointed in themselves for not seeing the signs of narcissistic abuse in the first place, and they don’t trust themselves to make better decisions moving forward.
Rebuilding Self-Trust After Narcissistic Abuse
The biggest component of emotional abuse recovery is rebuilding self-trust. It’s really important to learn to reconnect to your intuition and listen to your gut wisdom. You’ll also need to learn to rebuild confidence in your own perception of reality. Part of the emotional manipulation in the relationship had to do with confusing you and making you question your own judgment. Healing from narcissistic abuse is about reconnecting to your sense of self, remembering who the F you are, rebuilding your self-esteem, and reclaiming your power. When you start to trust yourself again, you’ll find it easier to trust others again too.
When recovering from narcissistic abuse, it’s important to try different modalities to see what works best for you. The easiest and fastest way to embark on a journey of narcissistic abuse recovery is to seek the professional support of a coach or therapist. An intimacy coach can help you process emotional confusion, rebuild self-trust, identify emotional manipulation patterns, develop stronger relational boundaries, and much more. You could also try (either with a coach or on your own) somatic emotional release work, journaling, breathwork, meditation, EFT tapping, inner child work, setting boundaries after abuse, and more.
Final Thoughts: Healing Is a Process of Reclaiming Yourself
Emotional abuse recovery is a process that requires self-compassion and lots of patience. Rebuilding self-trust and reconnecting to your identity are key components to reclaiming your personal power. I encourage you to approach healing from narcissistic abuse with curiosity and compassion rather than self-blame and shame.
It’s not your fault. There’s nothing wrong with you. And you’re a badass.
Frequently Asked Questions
What are the long-term effects of narcissistic abuse?
If you recognize that you’re a survivor and focus on healing from narcissistic abuse, you can avoid serious long-term effects. However, if you don’t actively try to heal from it, it can lead to low self-esteem, depression, anxiety, hypervigilance, inability to make decisions, and lack of trust in self and others.
What’s the difference between narcissism and selfishness?
Narcissism is about emotional manipulation and gaslighting in relationships in order to gain power and control over someone. Selfishness is more about being self-centered and not really thinking about how your actions may affect other people. Narcissism is very damaging to other people while selfishness is mostly just annoying.
Why do people stay in relationships with narcissists?
Trauma bonding and intermittent reinforcement are huge factors. You can actually become addicted to the roller coaster of emotions due to the hormones your body releases during very high and very low moments. Narcissists can also erode your self-esteem, making you feel like you don’t deserve better.
Can narcissistic abuse cause trauma?
Narcissistic abuse is absolutely a traumatic experience, and its effects resemble the effects of other types of trauma. Recovering from narcissistic abuse should be treated like trauma healing because that’s what it is.
How do I trust my instincts again after narcissistic abuse?
It will take time and intentional healing work to rebuild self-trust and self-esteem. Over time, you can absolutely reconnect to your intuition and learn to trust your gut again.
Can narcissistic abuse happen in friendships or family relationships?
Absolutely, and it often does. Having a narcissistic parent can be especially traumatic because you’re experiencing the abuse at an age where you’re very susceptible to it.
How can an intimacy coach help someone recovering from narcissistic abuse?
An intimacy coach can aid in narcissistic abuse recovery by helping the survivor process the emotions around the abuse, rebuild self-trust, reconnect to their intuition, reclaim their power, set boundaries after abuse, move forward into future relationships with confidence and trust, and much more.
