Exploring Polyamorous Dating: A Journey Beyond Monogamy
In 2023, I began exploring the world of polyamory in my personal life. I, like most of us, had spent my entire dating life up until this point in monogamous relationships. It is indeed the societally-prescribed way to date and relate, and it has been for centuries. I was trying everything I could to make the “fairytale” come true for me (being with only one person until death do you part). But, like many of us, I was coming up short.
I had A LOT of dating fatigue, and my attitude toward dating, relationships, and the people I was meeting had turned pretty sour. I would go through a phase where I was on the dating apps, only to very quickly get burnt out and discouraged by the quality of the candidates. I would match with someone only to have them never respond to my messages. Or I would go on a date where the conversation was like pulling teeth. Or I would go on a few dates with someone and really like them, only to have them end it or ghost.
I began wondering if there was anyone out there for me. Was there something wrong with me? Why did it seem like monogamous relationships were so much easier for everyone else? Was I just doomed to singledom for the rest of my life??
My Personal Shift: From Dating Fatigue to Polyamory Exploration
We’ve all been taught by society that our worth decreases when we’re single and increases when we’re partnered. Being partnered is the desired way to be, and if you’re single, well, that’s a problem that needs fixing ASAP. Everyone wants to know about the two main things in our lives: career success and relationship success. If either or both of those is seen as lacking, judgment and/or pity awaits.
The Monogamous Mindset: Why “All the Good Ones Are Taken”
Have you or one of your friends ever said, “All the good ones are taken”? This commonly uttered phrase amongst friends complaining about the dating scene is cementing a lack mentality in everyone who hears it. These thoughts of lack become beliefs really quickly (a belief if just a thought you keep thinking). And beliefs create emotional blocks.
So if you’re approaching romantic relationships with a lack mentality, guess what you’re going to experience. Lack!
Now before I talk about my experience with polyamory, I want to just be clear that there is nothing wrong with choosing monogamy as your romantic relationship structure. Just because it’s the structure that is glorified by society doesn’t mean that it isn’t right for you and your partner. I just encourage you to have the self-awareness to choose the relationship structure that’s right for you, rather than just defaulting to what everyone else seems to be doing. And if you actively choose to be with only one person for the rest of your life, then I seriously love that for you!
Deciding to Explore Alternative Relationship Models
For me, though, I had had enough. We all know Albert Einstein’s definition of insanity (doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results), and I was done with feeling insane! Even more than that, I was educated and curious AF about open relationships. Could having multiple partners work for me? I decided to give it a go.
I had always felt that it was unreasonable to expect one person to meet every single one of your needs, an expectation commonly placed on one’s romantic partner in monogamy. Also, as a child of divorce, I’ve never been fully convinced that humans are meant to mate for life. These two thoughts were enough for me to be really intrigued about the idea of taking the pressure off of myself and my partners and trying something a little less rigid.
Taking the Pressure Off: A Gradual Introduction to Polyamorous Dating
When I started exploring ethical non-monogamy, I told myself that there was no pressure to stay non-monogamous forever. I vowed to constantly check in with myself and see how I was feeling, and I gave myself permission to go back to monogamy at any time. This really helped me take the pressure off! Exactly what I was looking to do.
I started dipping my toes into polyamorous dating, and it was fun! I got on Feeld: The Dating App for Open-Minded Individuals. Every time I met a person through online dating, I asked them which polyamorous communities were good for meeting like-minded people, and I started getting involved in said communities. I went to poly-minded mixers and play parties. I read, I listened to a ton of podcasts, and I talked to people in non-monogamous relationships and learned from their experiences. But most importantly, I dove in head first with dating in the polyamorous community, and I learned a TON from firsthand experience.
Key Lessons from My Polyamorous Journey
Below, I’m giving you the top three lessons I’ve learned so far on my polyamory journey. Enjoy!
Lesson 1: The Importance of Specific Terminology in Polyamorous Relationships
When I first came on the scene, I thought words like ethical non-monogamy, open, and polyamorous were synonyms. They are not. Below is a brief and incomplete glossary of some of the types of non-monogamous relationships you may encounter.
Monogamish: A couple that is mostly monogamous but occasionally steps outside the main relationship for sexual relationships only. Think a one-time tryst when a partner is out of town rather than having multiple partners on an ongoing basis. Thanks to well-known sex advice columnist and podcaster Dan Savage for coining this term!
Swinging / Lifestyle: Couples that engage in sexual relationships with other couples or sometimes bring a third person into their bedroom for sexual fun. Swingers often attend events at lifestyle resorts or parties specifically aimed at forming sexual relationships with multiple partners rather than having emotional connections outside of the main relationship.
Ethical non-monogamy (ENM) / Consensual non-monogamy (CNM) / Open Relationship: These are sort of synonyms / catch-all terms people use to communicate that they are ethically non-monogamous in some way. The level of outside emotional relationships vs. sexual relationships that is on the table for each couple is specific to the boundaries that the couple have agreed upon.
Hierarchical polyamory: A structure where there is one primary couple that seeks to have full-blown emotionally-connected relationships with other people outside of the main relationship. They may refer to these partners as secondary partners, while they may refer to their main partner as their primary partner, anchor partner, or nesting partner (if they live together).
Non-hierarchical polyamory: A structure where two people may be partners, and each of them has other full-blown emotionally-connected relationships with multiple partners. The difference here is that there is no designation of one person as the primary partner. Rather, there is the idea that each romantic relationship has equal weight for each individual involved.
Solo polyamory: Refers to a person who identifies as polyamorous but does not engage in full-blown emotionally-connected partnerships. The term solo poly tends to indicate that the person is not looking for primary partnership and is not interested in forming partnerships. Though some people use this term to simply indicate that they are poly and not currently partnered.
Hokay! Now that we’re sort of on the same page, back to my story. So once I learned the definitions of the different structures, I decided that polyamory felt most aligned with what I desired. As a demisexual, I really value emotional connection, and I can totally see myself being in love with multiple people. I mean, doesn’t that sound just awesome?! So the first thing I learned was the importance of asking people upfront what style of non-monogamous relationships they prefer and what they are open to. “If you have a primary partner, are you open to emotionally-connected relationships with other people, or are you looking for purely sexual relationships?” Things like that.
Lesson 2: The Power of Clear Communication in Multiple Relationships
When I started exploring the non-monogamy scene, I met someone at a mixer and we started dating. He was one of the first people I had dated since becoming open, and I was but a babe trying to figure it out. We went out, we made out, and we were having a lot of fun. Fast forward to two months later, and we were still seeing each other. But I didn’t feel like it was progressing, and I was perplexed. We had a great time when we were together, but we didn’t talk much in between dates, we hadn’t had sex yet, and the dates weren’t very frequent. I started to wonder if this guy even liked me at all. So I finally just asked him. He proceeded to inform me that he did indeed like me. He just had four other partners plus a full-time job. I felt so much better just knowing the full situation and where I stood within it!
Communication about boundaries and expectations is crucial when navigating multiple relationships simultaneously. It’s also very important to cultivate a level of self-awareness that you can rely on to be your internal compass. I know it may sound strange that I found comfort in knowing that I was dating the same person as four other people, but I really did. It allowed me to adjust my expectations to fit the actual situation I was in, and my nervous system began to settle as a result.
Now everyone has a different preference in terms of how much they want to know about their partner’s partners (or metamours). And you get to design that too. But for me, I now always ask upfront what someone’s current partner situation is. That knowledge is so comforting to me!
Lesson 3: Embracing an Abundance Mentality in Polyamorous Dating
I really think that cultivating an abundance mentality has been the single biggest paradigm shift for me since entering the world of polyamorous dating. As I mentioned at the beginning of this post, my previous monogamous dating life was riddled with lack mentality (and a ton of frustration). I really did believe that “all the good ones were taken”. The shift was realizing that now that I’m poly, there is an abundance of quality people to spend my time with. If they’re “taken”, that gets to be okay because everyone is a consenting adult who is on the same page. My inner monologue has quite literally taken a 180-degree turn from, “There’s no one good to date” to, “There are plenty of amazing people to date, form deep romantic relationships with, and have sex with”.
An abundance mentality is also a really sexy thing to carry with you on your dates. I work with so many clients who are so frustrated by the dating scene, and they’re bringing an undercurrent of that frustration with them into their dates. If you show up on your dates burnt out, resentful, and already expecting this date to fail, your date will sense that. And believe me, I feel you. This was me for sooo long!
But once I started approaching my polyamorous dating journey with an abundance mentality, I noticed that I had a lot more successful dates than I did before. I found it much easier to attract healthy romantic relationships with multiple partners. I also found that I was putting way less pressure on each date because I didn’t need it to go well. It allowed me to relax more and actually have fun dating again.
And when you shift to an abundance mentality in one area of your life, it helps foster abundance in other areas as well. I’ve seen this affect my life in so many positive ways. I have more quality friendships, more career opportunities, and more money than I did before I made this mindset shift. It’s so powerful, and I’m so grateful!
Designing Your Ideal Polyamorous Family or Relationship Structure
One of the things I love the most about ethical non-monogamy is that you get to design the boundaries of your relationship yourself! You get to decide with your partner(s) exactly what you want your non-monogamous relationship to look like so that it works for you and the polyamorous people around you. This feels so liberating to me!
In my NYC-based sex and relationship coaching practice, I help individuals, couples, and polycules explore the possibilities of alternative relationship models. There are many other possible iterations of your ideal romantic relationship that are not defined in this post, and I want you to know that I’m here for you if you want professional guidance on designing your relationship.
I also help monogamous couples work through the journey of opening their relationship for the first time if that is what they desire. There is a lot to unpack and work through when moving from sexual exclusivity to an alternative relationship model. And if you have kids, this creates another layer of complexity as you decide how to involve your kids in your new polyamorous family. If shifting to ethical non-monogamy with your partner is something you’re considering, then it’s an excellent time to seek professional guidance to help you navigate all of these challenges.
What Does a Polyamorous Relationship Look Like?
As you’ve seen so far in this post, there are many iterations that your non-monogamous relationships may take. And even within some of these categories, there are subcategories.
Within polyamorous relationships, there are several different forms your relationship may take. You may have a desired flavor of polyamory in mind, but you still need to co-create your relationships with your multiple partners.
You could practice parallel polyamory, where your multiple partners don’t really interact with each other. Or you could practice kitchen table polyamory, where you and all your partners and your metamours (partners’ partners) can all sit down at the kitchen table and be close friends with each other. Or you could practice garden party polyamory, which is somewhere in between these two options. This is where you and all your partners and metamours could theoretically be at the same party and be friendly with each other, but maybe not as close as gathering around the kitchen table like one big polyamorous family.
The point is, there are no hard and fast rules here about what it means to be in a polyamorous relationship. You, your partners, and your metamours get to co-create the dynamic that works best for everyone.
Finding Your People: Connecting with the Polyamorous Community
As I mentioned earlier, a big part of my polyamorous dating journey was building my polyamorous community. It’s really important to have polyamorous people in your life if you’re going to be dating in the community. Even just having platonic polyamorous people to talk to about your experiences can help you feel supported and seen on this challenging yet rewarding journey.
Word of mouth will be your best friend here. Get on some poly-minded dating apps in your area (Feeld, Beyond, Fet, Plura, etc.), start matching with people, and ask them what community events they recommend for a newbie. Online dating is a great way to get yourself out there interacting with polyamorous people who know what’s up.
In addition to the hot tips you’ll inevitably get from your hot dates, you could also do some online research to find local polyamorous community events. Check out Reddit, Meetup, Eventbrite, Plura, Partiful, Google, etc. You will certainly have more readily available options if you live in a larger metropolitan area, but I believe that there are likely polyamorous communities in every area. You may just need to work harder to find them in smaller cities and towns. Or you could consider regularly traveling to the closest larger city to build polyamorous community there.
I should also note that while not all polyamorous people are kinky, and not all kinky people are polyamorous, there is usually a significant amount of overlap. So if you’re kinky, you could find fellow polyamorous people at your local munch (platonic, non-play event for kinky folks) or kinky play party. Just remember to seek kink communities that require vetting and feel safe for your personal level of risk tolerance.
Is Polyamory Right for You? Final Thoughts and Next Steps
No matter what romantic relationship structure you choose, I hope it brings you joy! It can be very helpful to have a professional guide to help you tap into your own self-awareness on this journey, as well as to help you navigate the mixed emotions smorgasbord that is polyamorous dating. Designing your romantic relationships outside “the norm” can feel overwhelming and scary. I’d love to help you through it!
Professional Guidance for Your Relationship Journey
In my NYC-based coaching practice, I offer specialized relationship coaching for couples or groups exploring polyamorous relationships or ethical non-monogamy. I also work with monogamous couples on designing their relationship in a way that works for them, or on designing an open relationship if they choose. Additionally, I work with singles looking to navigate the polyamorous dating scene, or looking to get more out of the monogamous dating scene and shift their dating mindset.
No matter your sexual and relational goals, I’m here to provide expert support on every step of your journey. You can schedule a free alignment call to discuss coaching here.
Now go forth and love!
