Open Relationship Boundaries List: Rules, Emotional Limits, and Check-Ins
So, you want to open your relationship, huh? Congratulations! The world of open relationships can be exciting, sexy, and really fun. It can also feel challenging, threatening, and destabilizing when you’re coming from monogamy. Especially if you’re changing the structure of an existing monogamous relationship where a dynamic has already been established for years, it can feel like you’re starting from scratch. A lot of fears tend to come up for people when they embark on opening their relationship. Untangling from mononormativity (the monogamous mindset) can be really challenging and quite a long journey. After all, we’ve been fed the universal rules of monogamy by society since birth, so it can be really hard to train our brains to start to see things differently in relationships.
Because of all the fears that may come up when opening a relationship, many people rush to try to fabricate a sense of safety by controlling the situation. They often feel the need to come up with pages of rules in hopes of controlling their partner so that they can feel more comfortable in the situation. Nobody likes sitting in discomfort, but when you avoid feeling the challenging feelings that come with non-monogamy, you’re robbing you and your partner of the opportunity to repair through conflict. When you try to avoid conflict altogether, you miss out on the opportunity to build emotional intimacy in your relationship through repair.
Also, rules don’t actually help you avoid conflict, because rules are really hard to follow. I’ve seen couples create all these rules in an attempt to control their partner, and then their partner inevitably breaks those rules. When this happens, it erodes trust between the partners and makes both people feel less emotionally safe in the relationship. People often think they’re doing the right thing by creating a rigid structure when opening their relationship. But by having a laundry list of rules, you’re not setting each other up for success.
It's completely normal to have challenging feelings when moving from monogamy to an open relationship structure. But you must come to terms with the fact that you can’t control other people (including your partner and their partners). The only thing you can control is your own actions and feelings.
Many people use the term “boundaries” in open relationships when what they really mean is “rules”. In this article, we’ll explore the difference between rules vs. boundaries in relationships, and I’ll provide some guidance on what’s really feasible for your open relationship.
Rules vs. Boundaries in Open Relationships
So, what’s the difference between a rule and a boundary? A rule is a guideline you put in place in an attempt to control another person’s behavior, whereas a boundary is a promise you make to yourself and others about how you will react and take care of yourself when they engage in a behavior. The rule is about what the other person is doing. The boundary is about what you are doing. Again, you can’t control the actions or feelings of other people, but you can control your own actions and feelings. Focus on what you can control, and your mental health will be better for it!
An example of a rule in non-monogamy might be, “I don’t want you having sleepovers with your other partner”. This is often an attempt to control how close your primary partner might get to other partners. Maybe sleepovers feel really intimate to you, and you’re worried that you may be replaced if your partner starts to have that level of intimacy with others. So, you’re attempting to control the situation.
A boundary in this instance might be, “When you have sleepovers with other partners, I’d like to know ahead of time so I can make space to process my emotions around it”. In this example, you’re not trying to control your partner’s behavior. You’re not telling them they can’t have sleepovers. You’re just saying that it’s challenging for you and requesting some extra consideration so that you can adequately take care of yourself. Making reasonable, non-controlling requests around non-monogamy communication is totally fine.
Why Rules Often Backfire in Open Relationships
Open relationship rules simply do not work for a multitude of reasons. Attempting to control your partner usually creates resistance and definitely contributes to a build-up of resentment. Resentment is a very slippery slope in a relationship as it leads to low sexual desire over time. In addition, trying to over-restrict your partner often leads to secrecy and rebellion. It also can establish a parent/child dynamic between partners, which is very un-sexy. No one wants to have sex with their parent or their child! So, this also leads to low sexual desire.
Many people who try to control their partners in order to feel safe often end up realizing they don’t actually feel safer because it’s really a false sense of safety. The reality is that safety is an inside job. You decide how safe you feel in non-monogamy based on how you take care of yourself, your inner child, and your nervous system. A laundry list of rules about what your primary partner can and cannot do will not give you safety in your nervous system because you’ll be constantly on alert, scanning to see if the rules have been broken.
And as I mentioned above, trying to avoid discomfort in non-monogamy is futile. Not only that, but it’s actually not conducive to building the emotional intimacy that’s possible by working through issues. Don’t rob yourself and your partner of the levels of deeper healing that are possible through exploring non-monogamy. Learn to sit with your discomfort, communicate vulnerably with your partner, and repair when ruptures occur. Emotional intimacy is the prize at the end of the tunnel.
Why Discomfort is Part of Healthy Non-Monogamy
Non-monogamy often brings up insecurities and attachment fears from way back in childhood. That’s totally normal! Please know that if you’re experiencing discomfort in opening your relationship, you’re not alone and there’s nothing wrong with you. Growth and inner child healing happens when we learn to self-sooth in healthy ways in the face of discomfort, rather than changing the situation to avoid discomfort altogether.
If you feel jealousy, that’s just information that an old wound is being triggered. It’s a beautiful opportunity to pay attention and see what kind of healing is possible. It’s extremely normal to feel jealousy in polyamory and open relationships. It doesn’t mean that you’re not cut out for non-monogamy or that you should close the relationship again.
Feeling insecure is also a beautiful opportunity to grow and develop healthy open relationship communication. Share vulnerably with your partner about your insecurities and practice emotional regulation when you get triggered.
What Healthy Boundaries Actually Do
Ethical non-monogamy boundaries can create clarity rather than restriction. They support autonomy and trust in the primary relationship. They help individuals take responsibility for their own emotional needs. And they strengthen relationships rather than limit them.
Open Relationship Boundaries List
Now, I understand that the idea of flying totally blind without any polyamory boundaries can sound scary, especially if you’re new to non-monogamy. It’s totally okay to come up with some relationship agreements in non-monogamy that support emotional safety and set expectations without trying to control your partner. Below is an open relationship boundaries list you can use as a jumping off point when designing your open relationship structure.
Communication Boundaries
Asking for regular relationship check-ins
Requesting honesty about emotional shifts
Setting expectations around disclosure timing
Sexual Health Boundaries
STI testing expectations
Condom agreements
Disclosure of new partners for health awareness
Time and Energy Boundaries
Protecting quality time with your primary partner
Scheduling intentional connection time
Avoiding neglect of existing relationship needs
Emotional Boundaries
Recognizing emotional triggers
Communicating reassurance needs
Taking responsibility for your own emotional regulation
Personal Capacity Boundaries
Recognizing when you need space
Taking breaks from dating if you’re feeling overwhelmed
Honoring your own nervous system limits
Self-Respect Boundaries
Choosing not to stay in dynamics that don’t feel safe
Leaving situations that violate your core values
Protecting your own emotional well-being
Common Mistakes People Make When Setting Open Relationship Boundaries
The biggest mistake I see couples make when creating their open relationship boundaries list is making rules that are disguised as boundaries. Remember what I said about rules vs. boundaries in relationships. Rules are about trying to control the actions and feelings of the other person, whereas boundaries are about controlling your own actions and feelings.
Another mistake people make is using rules as ultimatums. Threatening to leave every time your partner’s actions make you uncomfortable is just not good for morale. I’ve also seen a lot of people avoiding uncomfortable emotions by trying to control the situation with rules. Again, this mistake robs you both of the opportunity to build emotional intimacy through conflict.
Another mistake I’ve seen is when partners set unrealistic expectations for the other partner through rules. Then when their partner doesn’t live up to said expectations, they take it as a personal attack, and it damages the trust in the primary relationship. Lastly, it’s a mistake to set up a relationship structure and then never revisit it as the partners evolve over time. We are constantly evolving as people, and our intimate relationships are evolving as well. Your ethical non-monogamy boundaries are not “set it and forget it”. It’s a constant process of evolution and renegotiation through healthy open relationship communication.
How to Create Healthy Boundaries Instead of Rules
Start by identifying what you actually need to feel safe. When you get really honest with yourself, you’ll probably realize that your own feeling of safety is something that occurs inside of you rather than coming from the other person. I invite you to focus on what you can actually control (your own actions and feelings rather than those of others).
When creating relationship agreements in non-monogamy, it’s important to come from a place of vulnerability and honesty. Communicate your emotions and fears to your partner rather than placing restrictions on their actions. Throughout the process, stay curious instead of reactive. Give your partner the benefit of the doubt. They are not trying to hurt you. You’re both just doing your best.
Lastly, it’s important to expect your polyamory boundaries to evolve over time. It's a great idea to put regular check-in conversations on your calendar so you have built-in time to see how things are going for each of you and make adjustments as needed.
Working With an Intimacy Coach
If you’re feeling overwhelmed when it comes to creating your open relationship structure, it could be time to seek professional support. Intimacy coaching can help individuals and couples navigate non-monogamy conversations, develop healthy communication skills, identify fear-driven control patterns, build emotional resilience, and create sustainable relationship agreements in non-monogamy. If you’re curious about how intimacy coaching could be valuable for your unique situation, I’d love to discuss it with you!
Final Thoughts: Boundaries Create Safety, Rules Try to Force It
Remember that boundaries in open relationships support growth and autonomy, while rules often attempt to control uncertainty. Emotional intimacy develops through honesty and self-awareness, so make sure to take the opportunity to connect more deeply when conflicts arise. And remember that healthy open relationships prioritize vulnerable communication rather than control. Embarking on a non-monogamy journey can be scary, but also rewarding. I hope this article gave you a clearer picture of what that journey could look like for you.
Frequently Asked Questions
What is the difference between rules and boundaries on open relationships?
Rules are about trying to control what someone else is doing. Boundaries are about controlling your own actions and feelings in response to someone else’s actions.
How many boundaries should an open relationship have?
There’s no set number of boundaries in open relationships, and I would say that less is more.
Can monogamous relationships have relationship boundaries?
Of course! I’d love it if everyone felt empowered to design their relationship, regardless of the relationship structure they choose.
Are rules ever healthy in non-monogamy?
Unfortunately, I do not believe that healthy open relationship rules exist. I’ve seen it backfire so many times. I encourage you to focus on what you can control, which is yourself.
What are examples of healthy open relationship boundaries?
Polyamory boundaries are healthy when you make a promise to yourself and your partner(s) about how you will react and care for yourself in the face of their actions. It’s you taking responsibility for your own feelings rather than trying to control someone else’s actions in order to feel safe. You can see some examples in the list above!
Can boundaries change over time in non-monogamy?
Absolutely, and they should. We are constantly evolving as humans, and our intimate relationships need to reflect that evolution. I highly recommend regular check-in conversations where you can talk about how things are going and adjust your ethical non-monogamy boundaries as needed.
How can an intimacy coach help couples navigating open relationships?
An intimacy coach can help couples create their unique relationship structure, navigate healthy open relationship communication, and facilitate the building of emotional intimacy through relationship repair.
