Am I Asexual? Signs, Questions, and How to Understand Your Sexuality
As an intimacy coach, I get clients asking me all the time, “Am I asexual?”. It’s such a common question that can cause a lot of confusion and anxiety, especially when the modern world is so full of sexually-relevant content. It feels like we’re bombarded with sexual messaging all day, whether it be on social media, in movies and TV, in advertising, in dating, and even when we’re just catching up with friends. In a world that seems so obsessed with sex, it can be really isolating to feel like you just don’t subscribe to traditional norms around sexual desire. It’s so hard to feel like you’re “different” but not have language for why you feel that way.
However, I want to assure you that questioning your sexuality doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you. It’s actually a healthy part of self-exploration to want to find what identities feel good to you. It’s also totally normal to feel uncertain about your sexual attraction and struggle with understanding your sexual identity. And while labels may feel helpful at times, it’s also okay to allow your sexuality to live in the gray space.
Asexuality is most definitely a valid sexual orientation, but it may surprise you to learn that it only affects about 1% of the U.S. population. This means that about 99% of the people who come to me asking, “Am I asexual?”, are not. So why are they asking? Because they have low sexual desire.
Low libido vs. asexuality is a topic I often discuss with my clients. The reality is that there are many reasons that one may experience low libido that have nothing to do with sexual orientation. Often times, the client is a woman in a long-term relationship who has lost her sex drive due to years and years of having what I call “obligation sex”. Obligation sex is when you don’t want sex, but your partner does. So, you decide it’s easier to just get it over with, and you go along with it to please your partner, even if you’re not feeling it at all. Over time, obligation sex builds significant levels of resentment in the relationship, and resentment is the number one killer of sexual desire. So, if you have resentment towards someone, you’re just not going to want to have sex with them.
For people in this situation, it sometimes feels easier to just claim asexuality as a “get-out-of-jail-free card” so that they don’t have to deal with their low libido. They think if they just tell their partner that they’re asexual, which is something they can’t control, they’ll be off the hook for sex. I encourage you to avoid this behavior, as claiming an identity that isn’t yours is invalidating towards the people who actually hold that identity. Plus, claiming asexuality when you’re actually allosexual (the term for people who do have sexual desire) is doing yourself, your partner, and your relationship a disservice. I encourage you to explore the plethora of reasons for low libido and see if any of those apply to you before giving up on your sex life altogether.
No matter the reason for your current lack of sexual attraction, I’m here for you. In this article, we’ll explore the signs of asexuality, clarify common misconceptions about asexuality, and help you understand your sexual identity without feeling pressure to label yourself.
What Does It Mean to be Asexual?
So, what is asexuality? The term “asexual” refers to a person who experiences little to no sexual attraction or desire. It is a valid sexual orientation that refers to lack of sexual attraction, not lack of desire for connection. Many asexual people still have a desire for romantic connection and non-sexual intimacy, and they can absolutely have loving asexual relationships. On the other hand, some people are aromantic, meaning they don’t desire romantic connection at all, but they may still desire sex. One can be asexual, aromantic, or both.
People don’t necessarily choose to be asexual in the same way that members of the LGBTQ+ community don’t choose their sexual orientation. Most people feel they were “born this way”. It may take you a bit longer to discover and fully understand your sexual identity, but I don’t believe that someone can go from allosexual to asexual throughout the course of their lifetime. I think that low libido can develop due to life changes and situations of various kinds, but I don’t think someone develops asexuality that wasn’t already present. If you once had sexual desire but don’t anymore, I encourage you to explore ways to reignite your passion.
Asexuality exists on a spectrum, and it’s important to understand all the different ways one could identify. As with any sexual orientation, there’s no “right way” to live as asexual.
The Asexuality Spectrum Explained
The asexuality spectrum is vast and inclusive. It’s important to remember that being asexual is not a monolithic experience, and that it’s best to avoid thinking of it in black-and-white terms. It’s not like you’re either asexual or not, and that’s it. It’s much more nuanced, and there may be more identities on the spectrum than you realized.
Graysexual
Some people on the asexuality spectrum may identify as graysexual, meaning they experience sexual attraction only rarely and not very intensely. Graysexuality exists in the gray area between allosexual and asexual on the spectrum, and the person may feel like they oscillate between feeling allosexual and asexual.
Demisexual
Some people on the asexuality spectrum may identify as demisexual, meaning they experience sexual attraction only after forming an emotional connection with the other person. Demisexuality is not to be confused with waiting to have sex for moral reasons or “being a prude”. It’s a real sexual orientation. A demisexual person may objectively recognize that a certain person is sexually attractive, but they will not be able to feel sexual attraction and desire for the person until they feel emotionally connected to them. The emotional connection also doesn’t have to be romantic in nature. It can be platonic emotional intimacy as well.
I actually identify as demisexual myself, and I can tell you firsthand how misunderstood it is. Once, I told someone I was demisexual, and his response was, “I love how we had to come up with a term for just wanting to have sex with people we actually like”. This is a very invalidating response, and it totally misses the point. I also get people asking me all the time, “You’re demisexual, but you go to sex parties. How does that even work?”. There are so many assumptions being made here. First, you’re assuming that the only reason one might go to a play party is for casual sex with strangers. Incorrect. Second, you’re assuming that there’s a certain amount of time I need to know someone in order to form an emotional connection. Incorrect.
For me, it’s not about a number of dates or an amount of time I’ve known someone that determines when I feel connected enough for sex. It’s about the quality of the interactions we’ve had. How deep are the conversations? Do I feel emotionally safe and seen by them? Do I feel that we truly care about each other? There are people I’ve known for years that I don’t feel that way about, whereas I’ve felt that way at times about someone I’ve only known for 30 minutes. The quality of the connection is what makes the difference for me.
But my experience is not the experience of all demisexuals. Again, it’s not monolithic. Some demisexuals may need a much deeper bond than others, and that’s okay. I hope my personal experience here helps you see just how vast the asexuality spectrum can be, and how much variation there is even within the same sexual identity.
Sex-Favorable, Neutral, and Averse Experiences
Within the asexuality spectrum, each individual’s attitude towards sex can vary. Just because someone doesn’t generally experience sexual attraction doesn’t mean they don’t ever have sex. Sex-favorable asexuals can have positive feelings about sex when they have it, even though they don’t necessarily crave it on their own. Sex-neutral asexuals just feel indifferent about sex. They could take it or leave it, neither desiring it nor feeling repulsed by it. Sex-averse asexuals feel repulsed by the concept of having sex. As you can see, asexual relationships can look different depending on where the asexual individual lands on this spectrum.
Signs You Might Be Asexual
Below are some common signs of asexuality I invite you to consider. Try to reflect on these with curiosity and openness rather than rigidity.
You Rarely or Never Experience Sexual Attraction
Do you have any memories of experiencing sexual attraction in the past, or not so much? Asexual individuals can have difficulty relating to others’ experiences of sexual attraction.
You Feel Confused by Conversations About Sexual Desire
When your friends describe sexual attraction, does it feel like a foreign concept to you? Feeling disconnected from cultural norms around sex can be a sign of asexuality.
You Enjoy Emotional or Romantic Connection Without Sexual Desire
Do you experience a lack of sexual attraction but still desire other forms of connection? Desire for closeness without the sexual component can be a sign of asexuality.
You’ve Questioned If Something Is “Wrong” With You
Do you feel like you just relate to sex totally differently than everyone else? Internalized confusion and comparison to others can be another sign of asexuality.
You Feel Indifferent or Uninterested in Sex
Do you just not care about sex whatsoever? It’s possible to be an asexual individual who feels neutral about sex rather than distressed about their lack of sexual attraction.
Questions to Ask Yourself If You’re Wondering “Am I Asexual”?
Below are some questions to ask yourself if you’re wondering if you’re on the asexual spectrum. Remember to approach this personal exploration with curiosity rather than judgment.
Do I Experience Sexual Attraction or Just Emotional Closeness?
Examine your relationship to sexual vs. romantic attraction. Sometimes these are lumped together in society, and it can be assumed that if you want romance, you also want sex. This is not always the case. If you find yourself craving emotional connection but freezing up when it comes to sex, you could be asexual.
How Do I Feel About Sex in My Body vs. In Theory?
If and when you’ve had sex in the past, how did you feel in your nervous system? Were you able to relax and feel pleasure, connect with your partner, and enjoy the experience? Or did you feel tense, uncomfortable, or even repulsed? Many people could use help relaxing into receiving pleasure, and that doesn’t necessarily mean they’re asexual. But if you’re always really tense during sex, it could be one of the signs of asexuality.
Also, when you think about the concept of sex, how does that make you feel? Do you feel anxiety, disgust, or positive excitement? Listen to your nervous system and let it guide you.
Do I Feel Pressure to Want Sex Rather Than Genuine Desire?
Many people, especially women, have felt pressured to have sex at one time or another. But if you’re always doing it under pressure and rarely, if ever, feeling genuine sexual desire in your own body, this could be another sign of asexuality. If nobody ever pressured you to have sex, would you choose to have it at all?
Have I Been Comparing Myself to Others’ Experiences?
Questioning your sexuality can feel really alienating when it feels like everyone around you has it figured out. It’s easy to fall into comparisonitis when you hear your friends talk about their sexual experiences. This can make you feel like your lack of sexual attraction makes you weird or different. This is a totally normal aspect of the asexual experience, and there’s absolutely nothing wrong with you.
What Feels True for Me When I Remove Expectations?
If you take away all the societal expectations to have sexual attraction, do you still have it? Or do you feel like without all the expectations, you’d be able to give yourself permission to embrace your lack of sexual attraction? It’s never too late to drop societal expectations and start to live authentically.
Asexuality vs. Low Libido: What’s the Difference?
The low libido vs. asexuality debate is something I speak with my clients about all the time. As I said above, a lot of people experiencing low libido may claim asexuality so that they can just opt out of sex more easily. The reality is that asexuality is an actual sexual orientation. It’s usually a lifelong pattern of a lack of sexual attraction in general.
Low libido, however, is a temporary state of being caused by various psychological, physiological and/or situational factors like hormone fluctuation, stress, mental health issues, resentment in the relationship, taking antidepressants, and many more. The mental and emotional factors that contribute to low libido can be addressed in intimacy coaching or sex therapy. In the case of hormone issues, your doctor can sometimes prescribe hormone replacement therapy to help your sex drive return.
Both asexuality and low libido are valid experiences, but they are different experiences. While some of the signs can overlap, it’s important not to erase the identity of another group by claiming their experience when it isn’t really yours. I encourage you to embrace whatever situation you’re in and seek professional support when needed.
Asexuality vs. Trauma or Avoidance
Many people assume that asexuality is caused by trauma such as childhood sexual abuse, but that is not the case. Being a sexual abuse survivor can certainly change how you relate to sex. While some survivors experience low libido, others become hypersexual. A survivor may have obligation sex but dissociate completely during the experience. These are all trauma responses that should be addressed with a trauma-informed intimacy coach, sex therapist, or trauma therapist. But they are not the same as asexuality.
Asexuality is a sexual orientation that is not a response to trauma, just in the same way that other sexual orientations are not considered trauma responses. While it can be helpful to seek professional support in embracing your asexuality and working through your emotions around it, asexuality is not something that needs to be healed. If you think you may be on the asexual spectrum, I encourage you to explore and understand your sexuality without pathologizing it. It’s just who you are, and there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that.
Romantic Attraction vs. Sexual Attraction
Understanding sexual vs. romantic attraction is key in understanding sexual identity. Romantic attraction means that you desire romance with another person. This can look like dates, deep emotional connection, and romantic love. Sexual attraction means you desire sexual connection with other people, and you want to express that desire. Many people assume that everyone wants both, but that is not the case.
Just as there are asexual people who experience a lack of sexual attraction, there are also aromantic people who experience a lack of desire for romantic connection. It’s possible to desire romance without desiring sex (alloromantic asexual), to desire sex without desiring romance (allosexual aromantic), to desire both (alloromantic allosexual), or to desire neither (aromantic asexual, or aro ace for short). The prefix “a” means a lack of, whereas the prefix “allo” means a presence of. Aromanticism, similar to asexuality, affects about 1% of the U.S. population.
It's important to understand that these orientations can be combined with other orientations, for example, with members of the LGBTQ+ community. Someone can be both asexual and a lesbian, aromantic and gay, allosexual and trans, etc. For me personally, I identify as a demisexual bisexual. So, being on the aromantic or asexual spectrum doesn’t preclude you from having additional orientations.
Then there is the question of what genders you’re attracted to sexually vs. romantically. Some people identify as heteroromantic, meaning they are attracted to people of two or more genders sexually, but they only date the opposite gender romantically. Then there are people who identify as biromantic, meaning they date and seek romance with people of two or more genders and focus more on emotional bonds than sexual connections. You could also be a biromantic asexual, meaning you are romantically attracted to two or more genders, but you don’t feel sexual attraction to anyone. A biromantic homosexual is romantically attracted to two or more genders but only sexually attracted to the same gender, whereas a biromantic heterosexual is romantically attracted to two or more genders but only sexually attracted to the opposite gender.
Is your head spinning yet? I know, it’s a lot. While it’s important to understand the terms and all the possibilities, try not to get too bogged down in finding the perfect set of labels for you. Follow your gut instincts here, and only adopt labels that feel good to you. And if labels don’t feel good at all, permission to skip it and just be you!
As you can see above, there are many combinations of sexual and romantic preferences that are possible. The lies that society has fed us that there is only one right way to love are not helping anyone, and I encourage you to let them go ASAP. Attraction doesn’t always follow a single, predictable pattern, and it’s okay to connect with people in many different ways. Intimacy looks different for everyone, and that is a beautiful thing.
Why It Can Be So Hard to Know If You’re Asexual
If there’s one thing I know for certain, it’s that modern society is built around this idea that there’s “normal” and “abnormal”, and there’s an assumption that everyone wants and needs to be “normal”. We’re raised with so many expectations to conform and to fit the neat little mold that society laid out for us. So, when we feel like we don’t fit that mold, it can feel really isolating and scary. In our Western individualistic culture, so much emphasis is put on identity. And when you’re questioning yours, it can feel so destabilizing. Our culture is not built in a way that makes us feel automatically accepted regardless of how we identify. Unfortunately, it’s quite the opposite.
Cultural expectations around sexual desire create an unrealistic picture that doesn’t reflect reality for most people. Whether you’re experiencing low libido, asexuality, or neither, the pressure to measure up to a certain number of orgasms or a certain number of sexual encounters per week can feel exhausting. There’s also societal pressure to conform to “normal” relationship models without leaving room for variations like aromantic or asexual relationships. We internalize beliefs about what sexual and romantic desire “should” look like from such a young age, and we feel “less than” when we don’t feel like we measure up.
Because of all these societal expectations to be “normal”, there’s very little representation of alternate orientations in education. Can you imagine if sex education in the U.S. also included education on the vast spectrum of sexual orientations and all the combinations that can exist? The world would be a very different place if we could normalize and de-shamify being different from the start.
But it’s never too late to start your journey of self-exploration. Again, I invite you to remove the pressure to label yourself right away. It’s totally normal to take time to find the identities that feel best for you, and it’s okay to try on different ones if you’re unsure. You also have full permission to change your labels as you explore and evolve. Labels are tools that feel useful for some people, but they are not required by any means. Only do what feels good for you.
Rebuilding Self-Trust Around Your Sexuality
When trying to conform to societal expectations, many people end up disconnecting from their internal truth. You may have been lying to yourself and others for many years, trying to deny your sexual orientation even though you knew what it was. Or maybe you just never gave yourself permission to explore all the possibilities because they didn’t feel socially acceptable. Or maybe you didn’t even know what all the possibilities were until right now. All of these experiences have the potential to damage your own self-trust around your sexuality.
It's important to reconnect to your inner wisdom and rebuild that self-trust. Your body and your nervous system know what’s good for you much better than the external world. I invite you to tune into your inner knowing and block out the noise of societal expectations. Let your authentic experience be valid even if it’s different, and try to stop comparing yourself to others.
I invite you to slow down your decision-making process when it comes to sex. Your body knows when you want sex and when you don’t, when a label feels good to you and when it doesn’t, and when you’re sexually or romantically attracted to someone and when you’re not. But you have to listen. Becoming more somatically-aware (embodied) and connected to your nervous system can help rebuild self-trust and reclaim your sexual intuition. Somatic intimacy coaching or sex therapy could also be a wonderful way to reconnect to yourself and understand your sexual identity more fully.
Working With an Intimacy Coach
If you’re still questioning your sexuality or wanting more guidance on understanding your sexual identity, intimacy coaching could be really supportive. Intimacy coaching can help people explore their sexual identity without pressure, differentiate between authentic desire and societal expectations, process confusion or shame around sexuality, rebuild self-trust, and gain relational clarity. An intimacy coach can also help you come to a place of acceptance about your sexual orientation and help you feel more confident moving through the world while embracing your sexual identity.
Final Thoughts: Your Experience Is Valid, Even If It’s Still Unclear
No matter how you choose to move forward in your journey of self-exploration, I invite you to proceed with a ton of self-compassion. Explore with curiosity and wonder rather than self-judgment or shame. Also, remember that understanding your sexual identity is a lifelong journey, not a one-time conclusion. I hope that your sexuality continues to evolve throughout your lifetime, and that you’re constantly finding new ways to feel pleasure and connection (whether that’s through the actual act of sex or not). There is no “right way” to experience attraction, passion, and love. Expand your mind, and your quality of life will expand along with it.
Frequently Asked Questions
How do I know if I’m asexual or just not ready for sex?
Do you ever experience sexual attraction? Or does the concept feel foreign to you? Take a look at the signs of asexuality above and see if they resonate at all. If you’re unsure, it’s okay to proceed with uncertainty and explore. Don’t be in a rush to adopt a label. You may find that you just haven’t been having the type of sex you want to have, and that’s why sex doesn’t usually appeal to you (low libido). You also may find that you just don’t have sexual attraction for anyone in any situation, which could mean you’re on the asexual spectrum.
Can asexual people be in relationships?
Absolutely! Many asexual relationships are thriving. We can let go of the idea that sex and romance have to go together all the time. The reality is that you get to design your relationship to fit the needs of you and your partner(s). Open relationships are a great option for couples where one partner is asexual and the other is allosexual. It’s also possible for two asexual people to get into a relationship and be very happy together. And while it may be somewhat challenging, it is also possible for an allosexual person and an asexual person to choose to be monogamous together. The possibilities are endless!
Is asexuality the same as celibacy?
No. Asexuality is a sexual orientation where the person feels a lack of sexual attraction pretty much all the time. Celibacy is a choice that an allosexual person might make to abstain from sex for their own personal reasons. Asexuality is not a choice, but celibacy is.
Can asexuality change over time?
Generally speaking, I don’t believe that someone who is asexual can become allosexual, and I don’t believe an allosexual person can become asexual. However, it is possible for an asexual person to experience sexual attraction on very rare occasions, and that doesn’t make them allosexual. Remember that asexuality is on a spectrum, and spectrums are fluid structures. It’s possible for an asexual person to gradually move along the spectrum, but I don’t think they generally become allosexual. It’s also possible for someone to identify as asexual early in life when they don’t have the level of experience necessary to know for certain. But once they experience attraction and have sexual experiences later in life, they may start to identify as allosexual. This is really more about being a late bloomer than it is about going from asexual to allosexual.
What is the difference between demisexual and asexual?
The asexual spectrum is where demisexuality exists, so demisexuality is a subset of asexuality. Asexuality is the umbrella term, where demisexuality is a sub-identity under that umbrella. Demisexuals experience sexual attraction once an emotional connection is formed, while asexuals very rarely or never experience sexual attraction regardless of emotional connection.
How can an intimacy coach help me explore my sexuality?
An intimacy coach can help normalize your experience of questioning your sexuality, guide you through your self-exploration journey with empathy and expertise, help you release any shame you may feel about being different, and help you embrace your sexual identity with confidence and clarity.
