Intimacy is such a broad term, and it can mean different things to different people. As a somatic sex and relationship coach, people often ask me how to rekindle intimacy in long-term relationships. My first questions back to them are always, “What kind of intimacy? Emotional intimacy? Physical intimacy? Both?”. (Hint: it’s usually both).

While most people usually reach out to me with the intention of rebuilding their sexual connection, they quickly learn that intimacy is about more than just sex. It’s about having a deep connection with another human being across physical, emotional, and energetic planes. Intimacy naturally ebbs and flows in long-term relationships, with the original “honeymoon period” lasting anywhere from six months to two years. After that, it’s time to really put some effort into maintaining and evolving both your emotional connection and sexual connection with each other. It’s not really about “getting back” the excitement and newness of the honeymoon period. It’s about continuing to build upon what you’ve already created.

One of my favorite ways to rekindle passion with my clients is through helping them discover their core desires and hottest sexual movies. Your core desires are the feelings you want to feel during sex. Your hottest sexual movie is the things you want to do to get those feelings met. This is a powerful framework that most people have never even considered, and I’ve seen it effectively reignite the spark in countless long-term relationships. You can learn more about core desires and hottest sexual movies in this blog.

Keep reading below for a deeper exploration on both the emotional and erotic paths to rebuilding connection!

Step 1: Name the Barriers That Have Built Up

Loss of relationship intimacy rarely happens overnight. Rather, it is built up over time through routine, exhaustion, unspoken expectations, and people-pleasing. When a disagreement or disappointment in the relationship goes unresolved, resentment is built. When you do something you don’t want to do just to please your partner or avoid confrontation, resentment is built. When you have sex when you don’t want to (what I call “obligation sex”), resentment is most certainly built. And resentment is the #1 killer of sexual desire.

It may seem easier to just go through the motions of sex just because your partner wants it, but this is absolutely destroying your relationship. One of the first pieces of relationship advice I give my clients is to stop having obligation sex. Every time you have obligation sex, you pile on more and more resentment in your relationship. Before you know it, you’ll find yourself completely closed off to the idea of any intimacy with this person whatsoever. But when you start to embrace your autonomy and learn how to say “no”, you start to chip away at the wall of resentment that has been built between you.

In addition to taking stock of the level of resentment that’s been built, it can also be helpful to identify patterns in long-term relationships. What has your experience been of you and your partner’s behaviors lately? Have you noticed emotional withdrawal, avoidance of physical touch, or lack of communication on either side? Feel free to express what you’ve been experiencing in a compassionate and loving way. Communication in relationships is not about blaming or shaming your partner. It’s about becoming aware of how each person is feeling in the relationship.

If these conversations feel particularly challenging or intimidating for you, or if avoidance or defensiveness keeps surfacing, you may feel more comfortable speaking in the presence of a professional coach or therapist. Feel free to reach out here if you’d like my support.

Step 2: Identify What Intimacy Means to You (And Your Partner)

As I mentioned above, intimacy means different things to different people. And that’s okay! It’s beautiful, actually. So don’t fret if your idea of intimacy differs from your partner’s. That’s where the fun begins.

I encourage each of you to embark on an intimacy exercise where you identify the feelings you want to feel during sex. What’s the emotional experience you want to have? What feelings turn you on the most? Once you’ve discovered your top three emotions that you want to feel during sex, ask yourself how you and your partner can elicit those feelings inside of you. What are some things you and your partner could do to help you feel your core desires?

This is a great way to remind yourself that sex is an emotional experience, not just a physical one. If you’re able to identify and focus on your core desires, your arousal will be enhanced and maintained more effectively. This is also a great way to practice vulnerability with your partner, which is an excellent way to build emotional intimacy.

Step 3: Rebuild Emotional Intimacy

I always tell my clients that emotional intimacy is a prerequisite for satisfying physical intimacy. Emotional safety and trust are deeply intertwined with sexual desire. If you don’t feel safety and trust with a person, it’s unlikely that you’ll want to have sex with them.

If you’ve been ignoring your emotional connection, rest assured that it can be reignited as long as both of you are willing to open up again. Here are a few short emotional intimacy exercises to start to rebuild connection:

Check in regularly: set aside dedicated time for emotional expression and reconnection.
Express appreciation and affection: remind each other on a regular basis what you appreciate and love about each other.
Repair small ruptures quickly: discuss and repair when something goes wrong, rather than adding it to the pile of resentment.
Reintroduce small physical gestures: show them you care with soft touches, hand holding, or cuddling regularly.
Get vulnerable: practice expressing your emotions to each other, even if it feels scary.

Remember that vulnerability is strongly tied to erotic energy, and feeling truly seen and accepted in your vulnerability creates optimal conditions for sexual desire.

Step 4: Prioritize Sensual Connection (Not Just Sexual)

Though they can sometimes be confused, sensuality and sexuality are not the same thing. Sensuality is about mindful erotic connection between people on both emotional and physical levels, and it can absolutely exist separately from sexual acts. If you’re feeling shut down around sex with your partner, and you’ve successfully removed obligation sex from your routine, sensual touch can be a great way to start dipping your toes back into physical intimacy.

In the early stages of rekindling intimacy, it’s important to remove any pressure or expectation for sensual touch to turn into sexual connection. I invite you to take sex off the table and focus on reawakening the body’s natural responsiveness and emotional presence through sensual touch. Try a few intimacy exercises like sensual massage, slow dancing, bathing together, mindful touch, eye gazing, and synchronized breath. Just remember to remove any expectation for it to turn into something more.

Step 5: Redefine Desire in Long-Term Love

Long-term relationships really thrive when both people are on their own paths of growth and self-discovery. Losing your sense of self in a relationship is another way to build resentment towards your partner. And you know by now what affect resentment has on sexual desire.

Desire doesn’t thrive on routine. It thrives on a healthy balance of autonomy and connection. When each person has the space and freedom to explore and expand, it often ends up feeding attraction back into the relationship. Choosing to come back to your partner and connect with them again and again is very stabilizing for long-term relationships.

I invite you to ask yourself some exploratory questions such as:

What parts of myself do I want to bring back into my relationship?
What feels like it’s missing from my erotic life right now?
What are some ways I can share even more of myself with my partner?

Remember that intimacy grows when both partners grow individually.

Step 6: Bring Back Curiosity (Through Play and Discovery)

Bald man and blonde woman touching foreheads in an intimate moment

While we’re not necessarily trying to bring back the honeymoon phase, maintaining the same level of curiosity about your partner that you had when you were first getting to know each other can be beneficial. Approaching long-term relationships with curiosity and wonder can help the relationship feel like a playground ripe for discovery and novelty. What don’t you know about your partner yet? What don’t you know about yourself yet? What interesting things about yourself can your partner reflect back to you?

Get curious about what’s lighting your partner up these days, both sexually and otherwise. Maybe they have a new hobby they’re really excited about, or a place they’ve always wanted to visit, or a sexual fantasy they’ve always wanted to explore. Get curious, ask questions, and embrace whatever you learn without judgment.

Revisit your core desires (the feelings you want to feel during sex) and brainstorm some fantasies that could help you feel those feelings. There are countless fantasies you could play out to feel the same feelings, so really focus on how each possible scenario makes you feel emotionally. What do you want to do to get those feelings met? Have fun exploring the possibilities!

Step 7: Communicate with Compassion and Courage

It’s important to remember to listen to your partner’s core desires and hottest sexual fantasies without judgment or expectation. Just because your partner says they’re into something doesn’t mean you’re obligated to do it. I invite you to listen with an open, judgment-free mind first. Then you can check in with yourself and express what parts of their fantasy feel exciting for you to try and what parts do not. Please do not do anything you don’t want to do!

When discussing things you want to try, make sure to use positive language. Rather than complain about what your partner doesn’t do and the needs they aren’t currently meeting, try focusing on what would make it feel better for you. Use “I” language such as “I desire…” or “I feel…” or “What really turns me on is…”. Also avoid using absolutes like “always” or “never”. You want your partner to feel warmly invited to join you in rebuilding connection, not attacked for what they haven’t done in the past.

It's also important to remember not to put any pressure on your partner to try new things right away. Make sure you always go at the pace of the slowest person. Right now, you’re just laying the groundwork for what you’re interested in exploring, and your partner can feel free to join you when they’re ready.
Lastly, remember to make regular vulnerable conversations a conscious practice in your long-term relationship. Relationship intimacy and trust are built through consistency. One vulnerable conversation one time in a decades-long relationship doesn’t cut it! Make sure your partner knows they can count on you to be there through the ups and downs.

Step 8: When To Seek Support

If this all sounds a bit overwhelming or intimidating, it’s okay to ask for support! The right intimacy coach or sex therapist can help you navigate rekindling intimacy in a way that makes it feel less scary. If you feel like you and your partner are stuck in a cycle of avoidance or tension, it’s even more important to get support in rebuilding your connection.

A good coach or therapist can also help shine a light on dynamics that are at play beneath the surface that you may be unaware of. Having a professional unpack things like character strategies, trauma responses, and inner child wounds can help partners see each other through a more empathetic lens. Understanding why you and your partner are the way you are and learning how to work with each other’s wounds can bring your emotional and physical intimacy to the next level.

If you’re ready to receive professional guidance on how to rekindle intimacy and rebuild connection, I’d love to speak with you about coaching. Asking for help is not a sign of failure. It’s an act of deep commitment to your partner and your relationship. I look forward to supporting you on your journey!

Final Thoughts: Intimacy as a Living Practice

Remember that intimacy isn’t something you fix once, and then you’re done. Maintaining emotional and physical intimacy in a long-term relationship is a constant practice that requires commitment to the process. I encourage you to approach rekindling intimacy with curiosity, softness, and patience. Remember, it’s not about getting back to how things were in the beginning. It’s about evolving together as people and allowing your relationship intimacy to evolve along with you.